Wandering Mind

Today's Harvest

2008-08-13T20:20:00.001-04:00

Grateful

2008-08-02T19:19:00.001-04:00

My feet were like balls or nubs on the end of my legs. On the earth but separate from it. My mind was scattered. My body felt like a solid mass, without individual parts moving fluidly together but like an overstuffed sausage that couldn't bend but roundly at the middle. My heart was not connected to anything, nor was I even sure it was present. My hands remembered what it felt like to spread wide and press into the earth, but it was only a memory for they, too were on the earth but not touching, not connecting. The universe and I are very separate right now and I miss her. I will come back tomorrow.

This is my yoga practice and I am grateful for it.

There is life here.

2008-07-31T20:28:00.004-04:00

That's the thought that goes through my head every time I wander our property or look out the window. I don't know if it's because of Shakespeare's Lear that says, "Then there's life in it." or just because there is so much life.

We bought the place in February and have been working on it since. The house is small and old, with the original structure built in 1780 and the rest added on in 1870. It's a wonderful place. there are more bird and bug species than I've ever seen in one place. We have a chickadee that eats out of your hand, a red tail hawk that flies over everyday, sparrows, finches, cardinals, jays, cat birds, robins, and a lot more. Right before we moved in (bought in Feb., but moved at the end of June, it's needed a LOT of work.) we caught a honey bee swarm and started a hive. What prompted me to write tonight is that hive has already filled and swarmed again into an old maple tree along the rock wall on the front of the property, yet another example of the life that brims here.

And it's not just the birds and the bees here, we've got snakes (I see at least one every day i'm in the yard), frogs, toads, katydids, crickets, cicadas...

I can't wait to get the chickens, but that will be next year.

And a dog...

untitled

2008-07-23T10:08:00.002-04:00

There's so much being left out right now. Between work, a new house (that needs a whole lot of work) and a relatively new daughter and wife I am leaving out a lot of the things I love to do. Maybe I love to do too much...

In reflection, it's actually not sooo much, it's just a few things.
Yoga
Climbing
This blog
and my connection to the universe...

none of which would i have to give up if i weren't so lazy.

But there is a pull right now to get back to all of it. even if only a little of each.

New Moon Madness

2007-10-10T09:12:00.000-04:00

I'm watching so many people close to me bottoming out and I can only hope that today is very bottom and it all goes up from here. I know my mood tends to swing down around the new moon and I was trying to be more observant this time and I think it helped to keep from being so affected. But I'm blaming my friends situations on the moon as it's entirely based on views and mental dispositions and the physical "facts" of the situations could be viewed as much less severe from a slightly different perspective. If it's not the moon, maybe something is in retrograde... whatever it is, I hope things improve for everyone soon.

I actually got up to practice as I thought the new moon was tomorrow (as my google calendar says) but for some reason I thought to double check. and I happily went back to bed for two hours. I'm still making it to my mat every day and I'm happy to be working through those days where I would much rather go home after 3 Surya A's. I'm trying to change my views and limit them to the pose I'm doing rather than all of the poses left to do. So far so good. I've been back at it for a month and haven't missed a day!

Happy

2007-09-30T17:00:00.000-04:00

Continuing to make it to my mat.

I'm Happy.

New beginnings, yet again.

2007-09-22T07:06:00.000-04:00

Practiced every day this week, actually got my ass out of bed at 5 so I could get to the studio by six and then home to spend time with the Wife and Daughter before running off to work. It's actually been quite lovely and I have all kinds of extra time in the morning but the falling asleep standing up by 8pm takes a little getting used to. I've managed to meditate just about every night, too. Even went to a Dharma Talk on Thursday. It was interesting but it was from 7 to 9 so I was pinching myself to stay awake and by the last meditation of the evening I was meditating on not falling asleep or falling over... in a group of 7 that would be somewhat obvious. As far as practice (and meditation) goes making the main focus of my practice the intention to stay in the present. My biggest challenge is way my mind just goes all over the place (thus the blog title) and I'm trying to slowly pull in the reins. So far, so good.

I've also managed to lose 12lbs. but have a mere 20 to go. L has managed to lose all but about 3 to 5 of her baby weight. I, on the other hand, continued to climb in mass until I gained (and maintained) a whopping 32 extra lbs. Need to let it go.

Green Fried Rice

2007-06-09T21:06:00.000-04:00

Our first meal (not counting the mixed salad for lunch) from our CSA produce. It's just your basic fried rice with Bok Choy, Leeks, and Spinach. When I first started making it I thought it was going to be a little to "green" for me and I've also never used Bok Choy or Leeks before but it actually turned out really good!
And to celebrate a wonderful, healthy, home-cooked meal, we went out for ice cream!

First Trip to the CSA Farm

2007-06-09T15:55:00.000-04:00

3 Kinds of Lettuce
Chinese Cabbage
Bok Choy
Leeks
Chives
Spinach
Garlic Scapes
Pea Tendrils
Radishes
Parsley
Broccoli Rabe
Mixed greens
3 Tomato Plants

This is the produce from our first pick-up at our CSA Farm. It was nice to be excited about picking up vegetables this morning. We also picked up a dozen eggs from the chickens there. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen the chickens that make the eggs I eat. These looked pretty content. Now we just need to figure out what to do with all of this food other than salads… I think we’re going to try to make some garlic scape pesto, a lot of stir fry, and hopefully some creative things.

I started to pot the tomato plants and put them on our south facing roof and managed to get stung in the face when I set the pots down in front of a wasp nest. Not pleasant - but I took out six of them in return. I’m going to go back out there some morning soon and clear the rest out. I don’t like having a wasp nest right under a window, especially one I need to go out on occasion and it really seems to be the best place for the tomatoes.

I want to try and eat as locally as possible for a while and see how it works out. I just finished reading Plenty which is the US version of the Canadian book The 100 Mile Diet. It was actually a really good read. I expected it to be much drier than it was. But anyway, It’s inspired me to try and keep my food sources as local as possible. I’m not going to stress about everything, just one step at a time. Plus I haven’t tried to convince L of this, and it would be next to impossible to really do this with one person not interested. She and I have similar but different views on things like this… I usually go off the deep end and then pull back a little. She starts out more cautiously and then increases if it seems to work.

Kayak Lessons

2007-03-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

Lesson #1
Don't go kayaking by yourself if you've never had a lesson.
Lesson #2
Definitely don't go kayaking by yourself having never had a lesson when the water is 33 degrees.

The problem with getting a kayak in the middle of winter is you don't want to wait for the water to warm up before you take it out. Kayaks do NOT handle like a canoe! I went out on the Wallkill river today thinking I would keep it in the calmer areas, tipping over wouldn't be an issue so I don't have to worry about the fact that I don't know how to roll it over. I was out for less than three minutes when I find myself under the kayak in 33 degree water, sunglasses and paddle are gone and I'm struggling to get out of the kayak. Hmm... this was not the afternoon I had planned on... Once I'm out of the kayak I grab onto it and try to swim toward the shore, watching the paddle float away, hoping I don't get hypothermia. It gets harder to catch my breath and my muscles get tired from the cold, I can feel the panic coming on... Should I yell for help? oh, god... and my hand hits something. Its mud... the water was about a foot deep... oh... I guess I could just stand up now and walk out... yeah, hi. that's not embarrassing. Granted, it was deeper (over my head) where I tipped it but I'm sure most of my swim was in water under four feet deep.

I actually got my paddle back, too. I drove along the river on the way home hoping I would see it float by. Surprisingly I actually did and since I was still soaking wet from my first swim, I just jumped in and got it.

Yeah, I think I'll take kayak lessons as soon as the water warms up a bit.

Nothing like false labor...

2007-03-21T18:01:00.000-04:00

to light a fire under your ass. L's due date is coming in about two and a half weeks and we had some "pains" last night that we weren't sure where they were going. Turns out to be a false alarm but we realized we still needed to get some things ready so that's what we've been doing today. Car seat is installed. Baby clothes, blankets and bedding are washed. Suitcase is nearly packed... Playlist still needs to be created for the iPod. Problem is you don't know what is good birthing music when it's your first one. We took a tour of the birthing center yesterday which may have been what sparked last night. You're always catching something in a hospital and we may have just caught a touch of labor. Seems to be gone now but the baby is finally dropping down. It's quite the trip to get ready for a baby.

I've been hitting the gym lately but not the mat. I have a hunch it's not far away, though.

Anticipation

2007-01-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't feel like practicing tonight. It was a long day and I just wasn't looking forward to stepping on the mat. So, before I began my practice, as part of my intention, I asked for an answer as to why I practice. And one part of the answer came to me immediately as for the rest of my intention I gave my energy to my daughter, whom I'm patiently waiting to see. Practice was fine and good but no answers came blaring out at me. Between each pose I thought about stopping and resting or stopping completely, not really looking forward to the next pose. I made it all the way to urdhva dhanurasana and I was laying on my back waiting to go into the pose and I thought to my self in a somewhat negative connotation,

"Why are you doing this?"

and an answer came to me right away, it said

"If you want to understand why you do this, you must actually do it."

My problem is not with the asanas, it is my anticipation of the asanas. My favorite practices are the ones where I'm really in the here and now. My least favorite ones are when I'm mentally moving ahead of where I really am. This is my problem with so many things in my life. The actual doing or practicing of most things I enjoy, but I stress myself out with the anticipation of these things. I must release my precepts...

And seeing how this all came about right before urdhva dhanurasana it makes sense that it was a wonderful posture for me tonight. I had been working on engaging the thighs, and focusing on lengthening the front of the body and I remembered something I had read by Donutzenmom about a comment she had received from vanessa that made her think to engage the whole core, not just the front or back. Wow! did that make a difference. I'm not sure I've ever done a back bend correctly before that. It suddenly felt like the spine was curling up in a circle and not trying to fold in one or two spots. I went back up 4 more times because I was having so much fun. I only stopped so I wouldn't push to far...

All in all pretty good for 12 days straight. It feels like more and knowing there are 19 days left is somewhat daunting but I guess that's the point of my realization. It's about being in the now and doing it and not worrying about what comes later.

Nice Rack

2007-01-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

It's sad when one of your closest friends takes a job on the other side of the pond and you know he probably won't be back for a long time. But it makes you feel better when he sells you his climbing gear, camping gear, and kayak... cheap. More than doubled the size of my rack (that would be "pile of climbing gear"). He's going to be working at the English National Opera in London. I wish him well.

Cut out of work at noon today so me and the missus could practice before I went into the city to pick up my new toys. It was a good practice but I was still a little tired. As I was noticing I was tired I started thinking about cutting it short but I had a little conversation with myself and I realized that just because I'm tired doesn't mean I can't do all the poses. So I did. 11 for 11.

10/10

2007-01-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

Today was the first real low energy day of NaYoPracMo. I had a pretty physical day at work which may account for part of it but I was pretty much shot after the standing poses. So it was quick but I'm happy with what I did do. I tried that press the fingers down, lift the palm up thing again... that may have helped tap me too. Once the forearms fail it puts more work in the shoulders. ah, well, I practiced and I wrote. G'night.

Love the one you're with

2007-01-09T18:35:00.000-05:00

Another good practice today. Deeper into Savasana than I've been in a loooong time. Felt really good. I'm trying not to compare my practice now to my practice from 6 months or a year ago. I don't think I really can, it's just not the same practice better or worse, it's something completely different. I like that. As I get stronger I keep wanting to add in more poses but I'm holding myself back through January. This month is about getting these poses as strong as possible, then I'll add a few poses and take a month or so to get them strong, then a few more, etc, etc, etc. I've been engaging my legs, specifically my quads, more than than ever and I already notice the difference. I started to go back into chatturanga between upward dog and downward dog which is a lovely way to kick ones own ass (yogicly speaking, of course) and today for the first time I realized when my hands are on the mat 95% of my weight is on the heel of my hand. So I started trying to press my fingers down into the mat to the point of just barely lifting the heel of the hand off the mat. That is not easy for me to do. I probably only did it 7 or 8 times today and my forearms feel like I've been climbing for a couple of hours. So, yeah, Practice is good. Short enough to do things better.

Full day at work today. I guess the holiday is over. I made sure I was out right at 5, though so L and I could get our practice in before it got too late. We're meeting with a doula tomorrow, sort of interviewing each other. I'm interested to hear her ideas behind what a doula is... L is a doula and I have heard her talk about it but it seems different to me to bring a stranger in. I'm sure she'll be fine, L seems to already like her but I think I just need to listen to her ides and I'm sure it will alleviate any concerns (they're all ego based, anyway). And I'm finally getting my state inspection on my truck tomorrow, too. That's only 6 months past due.

9 & 9 and ready for more.

#8

2007-01-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

The mind was restless and the body was tired, but practice I did. I think I may have eaten a little to lightly last night and my energy reserves are down. I'm trying to shed a couple (30) lbs and I had some "off limit" snacks last night at the Bradley class. We got home pretty late so I pretty much skipped dinner thinking the snacks were a relatively fair trade. I mighta been wrong about that.

Untitled

2007-01-08T08:46:00.000-05:00

It's hard to be a father-to-be. Not because I have any worries about being a good dad, but because I have to be a better husband. "I know how I would do it if I were having a baby." but I'm not having a baby. She is. And I have to do every thing I can to make sure she has what she needs which is NOT always what I think she needs. When I do something with the sweetest and most loving of intentions and she asks me to change it (mind you, she has been generous and sweet about every request) I have to take a half second to talk my ego down and realize that she is right, I am not, and that if my intentions are true it's actually very easy to give her what she needs. I know my wife quite well in who she is and what her general likes and dislike are, but this is an opportunity to understand her on so much deeper of a level than I've ever honestly imagined. I fall a little more in love with her every day.

This really is a process about her. It's nice to think that I am a part of it and am able to help her but ultimately that's all I can do. That may be one of the hardest things for me as a man to accept. I know that many women may feel that men say things like this because they don't know what it's like to have a child, what the pain is like. But it's really not about the pain, it's about the life. I understand what my dharma as a husband, soon to be father, is, or at least I am learning to understand and I am happy to take on that responsibility to the best of my abilities, but I can only be curious about what it's really like. Even if described with the most accurate detail it must be experienced to be understood.

And please don't misunderstand me. I'm truly happy to be here with her exactly as things are. This is just a musing of a wandering mind.

And on the 7th day...

2007-01-07T15:35:00.000-05:00

He Practiced. And it was good. And She practiced with Him. And that made It even Better. I'm enjoying my practice so much right now. Combining the mindfulness of the Buddhism I've been studying and the inspiration from NaYoPracMo to practice every day I'm having an absolute ball. I start back to work full time this week so I'm looking forward to allowing my new habits to fix my old ones. L and I have been getting out on a walk each day so we plan to continue that but I'm not sure if that will be in the morning or at lunch time and we're planning on practicing each night when I get home from work. At school we're hosting the ACTF again this year next week so that will throw a bit of a wrench in the schedule but I'm determined not to let it get in the way of my practice.

We're off tonight to our Bradley class. It's fun leaning all about the birthing process and the Bradley method is husband coached so I actually get to feel like I'm helping. We're also going to be mixing in some hypnobirthing along with it so it should be an amazing experience. It's already been a pretty cool trip.

The Narrator

2007-01-06T18:09:00.000-05:00

It's January 6 and I'm sitting here writing this with the window open... Go figure.

Try to think about your toes without thinking the word toe.

Try thinking about the parts of your toe without thinking any words that deal with your toe.

Now try to get that voice quiet that's telling you not to use any words while you're thinking about your toes.

Dude, Shut the hell up.

I don't think I realized that I think in words as much as I do. I don't do it all the time, especially when I let the subconscious mind take over but when the words start flowing in my brain its hard to turn them off. I have attached a label to everything and to try to think about that thing without it's label is next to impossible. Should be an interesting challenge.

Well, this global warming is going to make a mess of the world but it sure made it pretty today. 70 degrees in the middle of winter. L and I went out for a stroll in the country soaking up the sun and the breeze. Quick trip to the grocery and then cozied up together with all the windows open and just smelled the fresh air blowing through. And once again we practiced together so that's 5 of the last 6 days. I'm 6 for 6 so far and I always seem to be looking forward to the next practice. It would be fun to keep practicing together up to the baby being born and then even continuing after that. I think the weather boosted L's energy today. We walked a little farther than usual and she kicked up her practice a bit. I guess when you've got a baby pushing all your guts up to where your lungs are supposed to be it makes it a little hard for you to breath and wears you out a bit. oh, yeah, that reminds me... I ate a little too close to my practice today and it made it uddiyana bandha kind of difficult.

Yeah, it's nice out but we really need a good, long freeze. The plants and bugs don't have a clue as to what's going on and the ones that we need to get killed off in the winter won't (ticks and mosquitoes) and the others will starve to death like our honey bees. I put sugar water out for them today but I don't know if any of them used it. I hate to say this but I wish we would get a good cold snap...

Stronger

2007-01-05T16:55:00.000-05:00

today than yesterday. There is noticeable differences in my practice from one day to the next. I go through my practice with more intention than ever before and the rewards are noticeable. Those foundational things with the feet and legs and hands that I used to cheat through because I could and because they were "too hard" (read I was "too lazy") are now truly the foundation of my practice. My practice only takes an hour because I am only doing the Suryas, standing, and finishing so I have the energy to do things better and there is nothing I'm trying to move on to. I just do the pose I'm in. I think it helps that I know I'm in this for the long haul so I've limited myself. 31 days straight and I don't want to hurt myself or push too far but boy howdy, part of me wants to do more. I think I have a drive that too often takes me too fast and I either burn out or get hurt. Slower, Stronger and with Intention.

L wasn't feeling a whole lot better but she still joined me for practice. I really love watching her move with our little baby poking out in front of her. The little one is moving all the time now and it's so much fun to put my hands on L's belly and feel her dancing around. I know that being a new dad is going to be overwhelming because it's such a big task and it's something I've never done before but I have absolutely no fear because I know, no matter how overwhelming, it will be amazing. If waiting for this baby doesn't teach me patience, nothing will.

5 & 5

Great Expectations

2007-01-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

I've been excited about practicing all day. I couldn't wait to start. but then I realized, frequently when I feel that way it's usually a horrible practice. So I asked myself what makes those practices turn out badly and it's because I expect something from them. I think I'll fly or float or be extraordinarily bendy, and of course, I'm not anything more than one day past yesterday. So when I went into tonights practice I tried to remove the idea of expectations and it turned out to be a lovely practice. And in removing my expectations it was less of a disappointment when L was too under the weather to practice. That made it a little harder to start but I still ended up really enjoying myself and I realize that I don't get excited because I expect something great to happen, I really just like the practice.

4 & 4

Addict

2007-01-04T07:37:00.000-05:00

I had my first bowl of rice this morning as the beginnings of my rice fast. I had thought that I might allow myself to still have coffee as long as it's black because, quite honestly, I couldn't imagine getting through the day without it. Which means... I probably shouldn't have it. Shit. I have no doubt that I have a coffee addiction. I salivate every time I see a Starbucks sign. I do not plan on giving up coffee permanently but I guess I will for the duration of the rice fast. I will, however, take an advil when that headache hits later.

I was trying to be mindful and grateful as I ate this morning. I was trying to appreciate the unique flavor of each piece of rice, but I just kept thinking "there are so many things I could do to make this taste better!" ah, well. I do think this will be a good experience for me. I need to remember the feeling of being hungry and remind myself it's a good thing, I'm not starving, I'm just not satiated.

This morning L and I are going to the midwife/doctor for our 26 week checkup. We've been going every 4 weeks but as of today we go every two weeks. It's an interesting experience as a man going into what is very much a woman's world but the practice we go to is very supportive and I have learned so much going to the appointments. It's helpful for me to feel like I'm participating in our baby's life now instead of leaving it all up to L. Granted she's doing all the work right now but I want to be able to support her and know what's going on. We're done getting sonograms but we still get to listen to the heartbeat when we go in. My heart skips a beat every time I hear hers. I can't think of any thing that has brought me more joy than the coming of this little girl. To feel her move, hear her heartbeat, or feel her calm down with my voice or touch is such an amazing sensation.

I guess I'm going to not go have some coffee. *sigh*

Foundations

2007-01-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

Tearing down and rebuilding from the ground up. I've built this house more than once but each time I let it go to the point of starting over. The nice thing about rebuilding is you get to fix the mistakes (or at least some of them) that you did the last time and, while the structure is new, the knowledge is built on and improved each time. I'm finding my feet and hands, engaging the bhandas (trying, at least) and engaging the legs like I'm supposed to. My breathing has happily been one of the steadiest parts of my practice. My emphasis right now is getting stronger and prepared to take my practice further. I'm not pushing flexibility or joints, just giving myself a strong foundation for each breath and trusting that when I'm ready I'll move on.

I'm ignoring that today was a moon day and I think I won't be taking a day off this month. Right now it's about building momentum. I will, however, take it easy when I need to so as not to injure myself right off the bat. I'm unofficially joining the NaYoPracMo movement so I can remind myself what my practice is.

The pregnant wife practiced with me again today so I'm 3, 3, and 3! She was feeling a little too pregnant, though, and after some pranayama and a few asanas moved to the futon to practice her relaxation and positive visualization. I still loved having her in the room so I'm glad she didn't leave.

My other new and probably less than stellar idea is a rice "fast". Obviously if I'm eating it's not exactly a fast but I need to do something to clean out my system and the last time I did a real fast for a week it destroyed my metabolism. We're (meaning I'm) going to shoot for a week and see how I feel. I'll eat brown rice, sometimes with some Miso, and have water and lemon. I found with my last fast I gained a great perspective on food and eating (which I have since lost) so I hope to renew that as well. Sort of start my eating habits from the ground up, too. Hmm... We'll see...

Blowing out the cobwebs

2007-01-02T17:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm starting over again. I've even forgotten poses in the standing series. I thought maybe I had when it took no time to get through them. I'm in a better place mentally, though, and I can let the mind focus even if it takes the entire (as I practice it) standing series. I'm looking forward to a practice with about 25 pounds less, too. When the spare tire is getting in the way of poses and it's not just tight muscles (or a tight mind) it's time to let it go. L practiced with me again today and we have very different practices but it's so nice to share the energy in the room. We had a daily practice together on our honeymoon and it was one of our favorite things about the whole trip. Hopefully we can keep it up pretty regularly. Come to think of it, that's the last time I've practiced 2 days in a row before today...

My Dad is visiting today and tomorrow and it's pleasant and relaxing but there's that need to pay attention to someone else for long periods of time that can get to you after a while.

My most recent discovery of late is Thich Nhat Hanh from some books my mom asked for as christmas presents. I had heard of him before but never really looked at any of his books. I'm currently reading The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching which I'm really fascinated with. My understanding of Buddhism went no further than "Life is Suffering" which, seemed to me to be a less than pleasant way of looking at life. However, this book is bringing so much of my ignorance to light and I'm finding ways of understanding things that go along with my beliefs and the other yoga readings so I'm really not sure why it took me so long to discover these things. I'm really looking forward to reading more of his stuff and it appears there's plenty to choose from.

Beginning

2007-01-01T18:33:00.000-05:00

Blogged and practiced today. It was a nice start but I feel awkward at both. Things have changed enough with the blogging world (ie. blogger revamped itself and now my server doesn't really like working with it) that it seems awkward just trying to get everything updated. My writing and typing feel stumbly, too, much like my asana practice. The nice thing is that I've done both. I've done a little mindful breathing, too but would like to do more before I go to bed. I was able to stay mindful through my practice, allowing my body to stop where it needed to, accepting that the 20lbs I've gained in the last 6 months will disipate with a regular, mindful practice.

I'm looking forward to the opportunity to deepen my practice, explore my writing, grow with my wife, love my child, and become mindful of all things.

Well, My Dad should be here in a few minutes, I guess I should make sure we're ready for him.

New Year

2007-01-01T08:07:00.000-05:00

It was a big year last year. It started with an engagement in February, Then L and I moved in together in May, this seems to be when my yoga practice starting sliding... (i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'). Started the design for Urinetown at school and managed to make it through that without killing anyone. Someone got prego and then we got married (please note, the previous comment that we were engaged in February and had already set the August 13th date). It had to be one of the most beautiful days of my life. Honeymoon in Costa Rica. Crazy-Nutso-insane semester at school with beautiful, wonderful, gifted students and a bureaucratic system one could choke on. Sold an SUV, bought a pick-up... Asana is missing, blog is missing, hope to find them both again this year.

and L is 26 weeks pregnant as of yesterday and the most important part of my life.

It's been an amazing year, and I know this one will be just as amazing.

Sometimes you have to wonder...

2006-07-25T18:02:00.000-04:00

What the point is in all of this...

Maybe

It's just to be happy.

.

First in a long time

2006-07-16T08:03:00.000-04:00

Practice was… not what I wanted it to be. I’ve been away from it for too long and I knew going in it wouldn’t be strong but I wasn’t ready for the screaming of the citta vrtti. I’ve just come off of 5 very long weeks at work and my boss has been less than supportive. I’ve just started a week vacation but I still have work to do so I’m not sure I’ll really count it as vacation. Might just do three days off. I hope to get back to the mat later today and try it again. With everything that’s been going on, I’m finding it easier to find stillness in the chaos but unfortunately that chaos is finding my way into my stillness. Hmm…

Wedding – 4 weeks from today… Seems to be things are going well. We’re meeting with a Unitarian minister tomorrow, the guest list is smaller than we originally thought so that will be nice, too. I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to wear… Hope to do that this week on my mock vacation.

Trying to create a routine again that isn’t get up-go to work-go to bed…

Made it... Sort of...

2006-06-13T07:20:00.000-04:00

There is something to be said for just making it to the mat. Surya A's last night before bed, Just standing this morning. It's not ideal but I guess I shouldn't have ideals when it comes to my practice. While trying to observe my limitations without focusing on them I ended up focusing on them the whole time. My biggest limitation was the wandering mind going every which way but quiet. But I had the mat under my feet and that's more than many other days.

I had a pinched nerve in my back about a week and a half ago that was causing some major back spasms. Ended up at the chiropractor for the first time ever last Monday. I must say being able to sleep through the night was a glorious thing. I went again on Wednesday and Friday and once we worked through the pinched nerve we moved on to the tight lower back, tight hips, and the left knee. I'm may try to keep going once a week for a while to keep working through some of this stuff. I figure as long as the insurance is helping to pay for it I may as well. I was most surprised about the improvements to my knee. I haven't been able to even look at someone in lotus without my knee hurting but since the visit on Friday I can actually get into half lotus. I think my fear of messing the knee up worse is holding me back, but I'll still take my time coming back to it. It's just nice to work that hip again.

Work is N.U.T.S. It's amazing what kind of havoc the lack of planning can create. I'm trying not to let it spill into what little free time I have carved out for myself, but it did have a hand in only doing Surya A yesterday. Either way it will be over in a month and I've made it through worse.

Wish I were writing more but have been either lacking time or inspiration. It's definitely different with L living here. I find that I would prefer to spend my free time with her vs. all the things I used to do with it before when we were basically just seeing each other on weekends (which includes blogging). A lot of things we've been doing together and we've even started being more active in the evenings instead of my sedintary ass in front of the computer or television every night. It would be nice to work back into writing regularly again... We'll see.

Losing Battle

2006-06-01T08:07:00.000-04:00

I fought the mind and the mind won.  Too much citta vrtti today.  I started out ok, but I have so many things going on right now I just couldn’t keep the mind clear.  I made it through standing before I went into headstand for a while, hoping I could flush the mind out… mmm…not so much.  Although my practice wasn’t ideal, I’m still noticing some positive changes in my attitude towards it.  There seems to be a patience and a level of thoughtfulness that I haven’t noticed previously.  I’ve been working towards a surrender in my practice that’s a little hard for my ego but when I manage to do it there is a wonderful focus that I rarely get otherwise. I’m also really enjoying my pranayama practice, it’s something I feel like I’ve “put off” until now, but really, I don’t know if I would have been ready for it before now so maybe I just was waiting for the right time.

I seem to be having personal electrical issues, too.  First my electric clippers were shorting out and every time they did the door bell would ring… How’s that for weird?  Then my computer crapped out… for the first time.  Then when I got it back it crapped out again.  Apparently the CPU died, first time the technician had every seen that in however many years.  Then my iPod got sick.  I was able to restore it for our trip to Virginia but Monday morning, after several emails to iPod+HP support, my iPod was pronounced dead.  Oh, and by the way, it’s warranty has expired so you’ll have to buy a new one.  Yes, we realize you’ve only had it for just over a year but you’ll still need to drop another $300 for a new one, we don’t fix them.

Work is nuts, I’m trying to design three shows, engineer two and build a new class for next semester.  I thought once the students left I would have lots of quiet time to work… Nope.  Oh, well.  At least I won’t be bored.

Oh, and we’re looking for a good honeymoon spot.  Preferably somewhere with a spa, some yoga, and where we can get some good R&R.  Oh, and somewhere that won’t get hit by a hurricane as our honeymoon will be in the middle of hurricane season.  (other wise we were planning on Maya Tulum)

A New Path

2006-05-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

Things are a-changin'. This morning was the first time I've practiced in I don't know how long. Lauren and I are now all moved in and we just have to finish unpacking. We have created a room reserved for yoga and meditation that I was able to use for the first time this morning. It's a really great space I just have to be careful that I don't irritate my downstairs neighbors with the thumping. It helps me focus on gentle landings :-) The semester is done at school and as soon as they uncrash the computer system I'll get the grades turned in for my classes. Speaking of crashing computers... Mine went down a couple of weeks ago and I still don't have it back... I got it back for a few hours and then it crashed again so back to Toshiba... I was able to save a lot of my stuff but I lost all my music (about 20gb worth) in the second crash. Needless to say I'm not super excited about that. Work is stressful right now due to poor planning and I'm concerned that a bunch of us are going to end up covering because of one person's procrastination.

I have to admit I really love our new apartment and living with the Lauren. Getting to see her everyday really makes for a better me. The picture above is the trail that I take to work. It's a lovely short walk or ride in, and being I got rid of my SUV when L bought her new car I am officially a pedestrian.

We also have a honey bee hive in the wall of our living room that ocassionally puts out a swarm (mostly outside) when a new queen is hatched (See Picture Left). L and I helped the beekeeper catch the first two swarms and the next one will be ours once we get the hive for it. So we'll soon have the beginnings of our own apiary, mmm... Honey!

The Joy of Shaping Young Minds

2006-05-01T18:19:00.000-04:00

This is what we did in school on Friday.

I love my job.

(give it a second to load)

Update

2006-05-01T09:46:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night that someone came up to me and said "hey, Your fly is down" and I remember thinking to myself "that's funny, I didn't think I was wearing any pants"...

Newly moved, or in the process thereof. Great apartment, but a little hard on the dog with all the stairs. Last night was the second night in the apartment and I managed to lock myself out... one of my new neighbors gave me a boost onto the roof so I could go in a window. Great Neighbors! Rode the bike (bicycle) in to work today. I like living close enough to ride or walk. 14 minutes door to door. School year is almost done. Yoga is on pseudo-hold right now. I need to let my knee heal up a little. I'm still practicing a little and I'm trying to supplement with the reading of the texts and trying to learn a little pranayama.

All in all, it's pretty good.

Oh yeah, I quit smoking 3 years ago, today.

Prakriti

2006-04-06T10:14:00.000-04:00

The natural self, nature, the illusion that is my physical self. This was the thought of study as I moved through my practice today and it was beautiful. Thoughts were limited to the physical body, the bones, muscles; how they moved and felt and minute adjustments. And in limiting the observations to this, my practice was wonderfully deeper on every level. I could try to explain more but as I put it into words right now I seem to lose something, so I'll just hold it inside. and Smile.

Black Holes

2006-04-05T08:23:00.000-04:00

Then there are those times when you practice next to someone who is an energetic black hole. Usually not through fault of their own, but because they are tired or stressed out or just "down" they tend to leach all the energy from those around them. I have found in these situations there are two options. To get defensive and have your energy slowly drained from you as you get more and more frustrated, or to realize you have enough energy to share with them no matter how much they need, plus a little extra for everyone else in the room. Today, I chose the first option. That's not to say I didn't have a good practice. I was able to focus and work on those areas that I've been wanting to deepen my understanding of, but by the time I made it to purvotannasana, citta vrtti was in full swing. I think it was worthwhile to have that experience as I was able to turn it into a point of understanding by the end of savasana and I didn't let it interfere with my physical practice, but it doesn't make it any more enjoyable during the process.

Now, if I could only pay as much attention to the positive things and learn from them like I do from the negative...

in time...

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm, covering 5

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

A little life with dried tubers.

Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee

With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,

And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten, 10

And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.

Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.

And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,

My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,

And I was frightened. He said, Marie, 15

Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.

In the mountains, there you feel free.

I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow

Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man, 20

You cannot say, or guess, for you know only

A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,

And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,

And the dry stone no sound of water. Only

There is shadow under this red rock, 25

(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),

And I will show you something different from either

Your shadow at morning striding behind you

Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;

I will show you fear in a handful of dust. 30

Frisch weht der Wind

Der Heimat zu.

Mein Irisch Kind,

Wo weilest du?

'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago; 35

'They called me the hyacinth girl.'

—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,

Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not

Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither

Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, 40

Looking into the heart of light, the silence.

Od' und leer das Meer.

Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,

Had a bad cold, nevertheless

Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe, 45

With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,

Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,

(Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)

Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,

The lady of situations. 50

Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,

And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,

Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,

Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find

The Hanged Man. Fear death by water. 55

I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.

Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,

Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:

One must be so careful these days.

Unreal City, 60

Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,

A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,

I had not thought death had undone so many.

Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,

And each man fixed his eyes before his feet. 65

Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,

To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours

With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.

There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying 'Stetson!

'You who were with me in the ships at Mylae! 70

'That corpse you planted last year in your garden,

'Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?

'Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?

'Oh keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,

'Or with his nails he'll dig it up again! 75

'You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!'

The Wasteland, by T.S. Eliot

Back

2006-04-03T08:47:00.000-04:00

Well, back in the studio, back to my own practice. The Student came in this morning and we slowed down and worked through all the transitions. There's a part of me that really likes this stopping at Mari D. As I take a little extra time to deepen and understand that pose, it allows me to deepen and understand my whole practice before that pose. I have a feeling that this will change my practice significantly as it requires me to truly observe what I am doing and not move on until I have dissected it, understand it, and put it back together. And with the extra time I have from not doing the remaining poses it allows me to put that time into the others.

Yoga Sutra 1:18

By the firmly convinced practice of the complete cessation of the mental modifications, the impressions only remain. This is the other samadhi [asamprajnata or non-distinguished].

There are many things that one could pull from this sutra, for me, today, I found that the idea I most connected with was that in order to move on towards samadhi, I must understand myself more deeply in order to release the idea of the self, the "impressions" that still remain. Only through making the effort to understand myself will I realize what I am not.

Wonderful

2006-04-01T06:38:00.000-05:00

With the spring weather, a magnificent week of yoga, spending lots of time with the Blonde Lady, hanging out with dear friends and making a few new ones, this has been a wonderful, wonderful week. The windows are open (finally) and the birds are singing and the sun is coming up and filling the apartment with its warm glow. It was so nice last night to drive through the swampy areas and hear the frogs singing again.

Slept in until 5:30 this morning, I got to the point this last week where 3:30 seemed like a normal/easy time to get up each day so I could make it to yoga by 4:45 (and I wasn’t the first one there…) But getting there early has it’s perks, like choice real estate where I plunked down my and REW’s mats in the front row while she worked the door. It’s not until you put yourself up front that you realize why it’s such a great place to be. The three things I got out of it were 1) the joy of practicing that close to Pattabhi. At first it’s slightly intimidating but you realize in watching him that he only wants you to do well and if it’s not coming today, it’s not coming today. There is compassion in his desire for you to understand yourself in your practice. 2) The wonderful people in the row. I really enjoyed talking with and getting to know (and practicing next to) Jody, Kathy, REW, Ilonka, and a few others whose names have unfortunately escaped me. And the energy of the people in that row was extremely supportive as we practiced, I found myself wanting/hoping that I was sharing my energy as much as they were. They were kind enough to invite me out to breakfast after Friday’s practice but I don’t think I could have made it back on time to work if I had gone, so maybe I’ll get a rain check… and last but not least 3)The relaxation of the ego. Being up there in front of Pattabhi and next to people with beautiful practices the desire to do your “best” is overwhelming. But in order for me to do my “best” I would have had to hurt myself. My knee and my shoulder never really felt good this week and I opted to not push myself in poses that would do damage and I was able to stick to that the whole week without getting down about myself and my practice. So while there is lots of room for improvement in many areas of my practice I was able to walk away feeling like I really did do my Best.

It was a lovely, exhausting week.

What She Said

2006-03-28T19:03:00.000-05:00

I’m ready for the moon day.  Practicing with Pattabhi and family has been… enlightening if nothing else.  I’m actually having a great time, but I need to heal a little.  My practice has been heavy all week and between the shoulder and the knee bugging me (to phrase it mildly) the physical aspect of my practice has been not what I would hope.  But it does force me to question myself and my desire to try to impress people that, in all honesty, don’t care if I impress them or not.  So I’ve given up the idea of having a good looking practice and just allow myself to float in the energy of this room of wonderful people and try to give out as much good energy as I’m getting.  And really, the people here are the best part, as REW said, the yoga is just a perk.  I’m not the most socially adept person so I haven’t spoken with a lot of people but it’s fun to just share the energy in the room and practicing next to new people (trying not to get my nose broken when the feet of the person in front jumps back.)  I’ve newly met a couple of bloggers, seen a few more and one used to be blogger.  It’s funny to recognize and know things about people on a personal level without ever having met them.  I’m also surprised by the number of people that I recognize from last year.

On Sunday I met one of my students there and she had a ball.  She’s been doing Ashtanga with me for something like 6 months but already has a beautiful, strong practice and now has an itch for India… She also managed a hug and a kiss from Guruji and a hug from Sharath.

I was in row 4 on Sunday and row 3 the last two days.  I think I may try moving up a row (or 2?) for the next couple of days.  I really like the energy of practicing that close to Pattabhi and who knows when I’ll actually make it over to Mysore, guess I should take advantage of it while I can.  So far it’s been a good week, I’m looking forward to sleeping in past 3:30 tomorrow but unfortunately I have to go back to work and will be commuting back and forth between New Paltz and New York for the remainder of the week.

And another perk of this week is getting to spend more time with the Blonde Lady as we usually only get to see each other on weekends (that changes in May!!!) but she lives out in Queens so I’ve been spending all my free time with her.

Yeah, not so bad…

A Thought

2006-03-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Savitarka Samadhi, the practice of samadhi through the study of concrete objects. Creating a one mindedness through the focus of an object, be it a book, a sound, a person (including our own physical selves), an atom, or anything else that we can contemplate with minimal subjectivity. (When subjectivity can come into play it is called savichara samadhi, but that is another day). Today I focused on my body.

I didn’t want to practice again today. The idea just depressed me. I didn’t want to be reminded again of what my body was too feeble to do. (Now, to know me on would not usually assume feeble, but in regards to my own opinion of what my body should be able to do, that is how I saw it). Yes, this is entirely ego based, I know, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts don’t exist in my head. I knew that I needed to practice, so I drug my feet as long as I could, picked up my mat and headed to the studio. On a whim I grabbed my copy of the Yoga Sutras on the way out the door. Once in the room I continued to procrastinate and I took my time setting up and I laid the book down next to my mat, figuring I could at least sit and read the Sutras a little bit if I don’t convince myself to practice. Finally I got myself seated and opened the book to my current place.

17) Vitarka Vicaranandasmitanugamat Samprajnatah

Samprajnata samadhi (distinguished contemplation) is
accompanied by reasoning, reflecting, rejoicing, and pure I-am-ness.

I continued to read about the first samadhi, Reasoning (Savitarka Samadhi). I chose to make my practice the observation of the body, with all it’s aches and pains (and occasional strengths). Now granted, to say I achieved Samadhi through this focus would be an exaggeration, but I was able to block out many aspects of citta vrtti including my ego for much of my practice. I determined, as I moved through the salutations, that I was trying to do things my body is not in a place right now to do. I once had a conversation with a friend that one reason I’m glad I don’t go to a mysore class with a real teacher is they would probably cut me off at Kurmasana. She kindly pointed out that they would actually probably cut me off after Marichyasana D, as I can’t bind. I didn’t like that idea at all, (and that, my friends, is purely ego driven). However, I realized today that Marichyasana D is precisely where I should stop before I move onto finishing. My practice consists of me rushing through all the poses, knowing when I start, it’s going to take a long time and just scooting through the poses that I can’t do well. So what my body needs is to slow down, and work through with focus where I am. I know how to do the poses (Meaning: I know where my body is supposed to go, not that I can physically or mentally do all the poses), so I do have a teacher, I just need to make sure I have a kind teacher, an intelligent teacher, and one that understands that there is more to this practice that checking as many poses off a list as possible.

So that was the course of thought for about two of the Surya A’s. The rest of my practice was good, knowing I wouldn’t take my knees to a place they couldn’t go and my mind to a place it couldn’t go. My vinyasas were stronger and all of my poses seemed to have more of a purpose and less of need to move on to the next pose. I know that my mind went on a tangent from its original focus, but it’s that original focus that got it where it needed to go, and then I was able to go back to focusing on the sensations of my body as I practiced.

This is my truth for today, which is not my truth for yesterday or tomorrow, for those are only true as they exist in the moment.

Leggo of my ego

2006-03-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

Ego, Attachment, Anger, Frustration.  This was my practice this morning.  I have a goal for my practice and it’s fucking me up.  I’m trying to be somewhere I’m physically not so that I don’t feel like an ass next week when I go to NYC to practice with Guruji.  My left knee and shoulder are both tweaked right now and I can’t do half the poses “correctly” because of that.  I’m 10 lbs. heavier than I should be so that gets in the way of a few more poses and the breath and bandhas.  Last year I was new to the primary as a regular practice so I had fewer expectations but I feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere this year but I don’t know if anything has changed.  Some days I can feel it, see it, but on days like today… I feel like I’ve regressed.  I have reduced my practice to a list of physical positions that I try to get my body in to and I am ignoring the other 99% of what my practice should be.  If I could just let go of the ego…

I actually went to a yoga class on Sunday at the studio that I was going to last fall.  It was nice to get some adjustments but I didn’t really care for the class.  I realized that the only reason I went to this particular studio is that it was Ashtanga based and the teacher gave good physical adjustments.  But it never felt like somewhere I belonged, like it was my studio.  I have felt more at home in nearly every other studio I’ve ever practiced in.  I desperately need a teacher, so I guess I’ll find a new studio where I can practice a few days a week and do my Ashtanga practice the other few days.  Crap.

Not all is crap in my world however.  (Nevermind it’s spring break and I’m at work) but the wedding plans seem to be going very well.  It looks like we’ve found the location for the Ceremony and the reception, the caterer, and the florist, still waiting to audition the musician.  The Blonde Lady has found her dress but I have no clue what I’m wearing yet.  The officiator seems to be the biggest sticking point.  She’s talking to a friend from her home town who is a Methodist minister but we don’t want a “religious” wedding so we’re not sure if he’ll do it.  If that doesn’t work out we’re at a bit of a quandary as to who will perform the ceremony.  Everything else seems to be falling into place so I’m sure that will, too.

Too Cute

2006-03-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

Moon Day

2006-03-14T17:14:00.000-05:00

Oh, it’s a moon day alright. I was going to practice in spite of that fact because I just haven’t gotten too many practices in as of late. I was going to keep it reserved, I know how the full moon can make us over-zealous, but I still wanted to practice. So I leave the house at 6:20 with the dog (she occasionally comes to work with me), by the time I make it in to the studio it’s 6:40 and low and behold the custodian is mopping the floor and she’s less than halfway through. Ok, I’ll just set my stuff down and… Shit! I then realize I forgot my pants… Practicing without pants would be bad, plus I’m supposed to teach my intro yoga class at 8, which would be worse without pants (I did have on pants, but they were blue jeans, not exactly conducive to a good practice.) So I go home and get my britches and get back a little after 7. By the time I get changed it’s 7:15 so I just go through the Sun Salutations and a few stretches before the first student showed up at quarter of. At 5 to 8 a maintenance guy comes in to fix a broken mirror in the dance studio so we didn’t actually get the class started until 8:10. At 9:00 as we were nearing the finishing postures a group of 20 8th graders come in to the building (but not the studio) to rehearse their production of As You Like It. First, I was told they wouldn’t be in until 10 and second, I was told it would be 10 Tomorrow. So I rush them through a few finishing postures and get them into savasana so I can go deal with the incoming group; which turned out fine but was pretty much a cluster fuck due to ball dropping and miscommunication. So, yeah, today’s a moon day.

The Subtlety of the Sutras

2006-03-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

Hmmm… No label for my practice this morning. I guess the fact that I did practice and made it through all the poses was good. But my left knee and my left shoulder hurt like an SOB and my energy was low but for some reason I really enjoyed being in my practice today. I think a little of it has to do with the fact that I’m drawn to the sutras right now. As I read through them and try to make my own understanding of them I find myself… feeling better. I don’t really know any other way to put it. An example: I was driving in to work today and someone pulled out in front of me (going the same direction I was going). My usual response is to slow down a little slower than I should and I end up right on the persons ass just to make sure they know I’m there, maybe give them a little scare... But today I slowed down faster to keep a safer distance between us. But the reason for doing that was not to not irritate/scare/whatever the other driver, it was simply because I didn’t want to feel the anger or irritation that I would normally feel. It was kinda nice.

I found a translation/explanation of the Yamas and Niyamas that I like. I’m copying it here just so I have it on record.

Yamas - Guidelines for how we interact with the outer world. Social disciplines to guide us in our relationships with others. The five yamas are: Ahimsa. Satya, Asteya, Brahmacharya, Aparigraha.

"Yamas and niyamas all have their root in ahimsa (not harming living beings); their aim is to perfect this love that we ought to have for all creatures...." From the "Yogasutra-bhashya" 2.30, by Vyasa, the oldest commentary on Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, translated. by J. Varenne, "Yoga in the Hindu Tradition", Univ. of Chicago Press, 1976

Ahimsa: non-violence, kindness, no harm in your actions.

Awareness and gentleness in action, thought and speech. Violence arises out of fear, anger, restlessness and selfishness.

Practice: compassion, love, understanding, patience, self-love, and worthiness.

Non-violence in action, thought, or words to other living beings, or toward ourselves. Think of violence within the body. If a friend acted towards you the way your own mind does, he probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So, view yourself with tenderness and compassion. Build bridges with people. This is NOT "how to be a doormat." One side of non-violence is creating boundaries for peace if someone is acting violently towards you. "NO" needs to be in your vocabulary to practice Ahimsa. Ahimsa can be powerful. Gandhi's whole life was based on the principle of Ahimsa, but he used that as a potent tool.

Satya: Truthfulness

Truthfulness of speech, thoughts and deeds.

Practice: Honesty, owning feelings, loving communication, assertiveness, giving constructive feedback, forgiveness, non-judging, letting go of masks. "The elf of the tongue needs the giant to control it." _Bapuji

Honesty can be used as a weapon, so be careful to be COMPASSIONATE. It is not about being "right." Love is higher than truth. "Brutal Honesty" is not truth. If LOVE directs how you use truth then you are practicing Satya. Ahimsa (non-violence) must be practiced with Satya.

Concepts and Notions keep us from the truth, keep it murky. Learn to be accepting like a newborn baby. Don’t let Ego get in the way of Heart.

Asteya: Non-Stealing

Not coveting, not being jealous.

Practice: use objects the right way, proper time management. Cultivate sense of completeness, self-sufficiency, let go of cravings. If you value material goods too much, this temptation will come upon you at times. Let go of that false value.

If you attain what you want through honest means, you have no fear. If you attain what you want through dishonest means, you live with fear.

Brahmacharya: Moderation, Channeling Emotions, Moderation in all things, self-containment.

No overindulgence of mind, intellect, speech or body; moderation on all levels concerning sex, food, and all aspects of daily life including the environment. [This is the most misunderstood Yama, so I will spend more space defining the meaning of this]

Practice: not repression, but control of sensual cravings

Principle: Satisfying our desires for pleasure through food, sex, television and other pastimes hides the emptiness inside. That emptiness is spiritual starvation. Our soul needs fulfillment. There are many levels of our being, and we often do not take a holistic approach to fulfillment on all these levels. We often only see the easiest, surface level needs -and try to fulfill ourselves on a physical level.

"Brahma" = the Creator "Charya" = teacher or guide. The word Brahmacharya is derived from the two words Brahma and acharya or charya (take your pick). Brahma is God as the creator or progenitor, acharya is teacher and charya means wedded to. Thus one could say brahmacharya means being wedded to Brahma or "to remain connected to Source" or to remain continuous with it

"This day, I am moderate, centered, and complete. I use my energy in ways that lead me closer to my Source. I treat myself and others with respect, recognizing the inherent Divinity of all people."

Neither obsessing nor repressing, make peace with your sensual cravings or any interests that pull you off-center from your Source. Avoid overindulgence of mind, intellect, speech, and body.

Developmental Stages:

Self-containment through moderate sexuality and diet.
No thoughts of past or future sense pleasures.
Freedom from attachment to pleasure.
Free from duality and the illusion that you are incomplete.
Inner peace.
Perpetual inner Ecstasy, replacing outward focus of sensual/sexual energies.

Be moderate in moderation also, so it is not a burden. It is a beautiful practice. It is about moderating the extremes and not wanting too much (consumerism). Brahmacharya brings out the FIRE in your spirit. Many energies come up. If it comes up, let it burn – smothering issues just makes them smolder. When they re-emerge they’ll be hotter. When they arise, notice what the issues are, and go deeper into your true motivations.

Aparigraha: Non-Possessiveness, Greedlessness, Simplicity

Fulfilling needs rather than wants.

Practice: Non-attachment to possessions, relationships.

When you take away "stuff," you face yourself. It is not always comfortable, but it is always invigorating. Make room for new growth to come.

Abstain from accumulating more than you need – “stuff” only serves to distract you from your source, your true self. Often, one tries to satisfy spiritual starvation with relationships, sex, food, and material goods. Remove the distraction, and you can connect more deeply with what is truly happening inside. It is okay to have “stuff” in your life – just don’t be attached to it. Remain connected to your source, and let other aspects of your life go the way the universe directs them.

NIYAMAS – How we interact with ourselves, our internal world. The practice of Niyama harnesses the energy generated from our practice and cultivation of the yamas. Niyama is about self-regulation – helping us maintain a positive environment in which to grow. The five niyamas are: Shaucha, Santosha, Tapas, Swadhyaya, and Ishwara-Pranidhana.

Shaucha: Purity/Clarity

Purity of body, cleanliness, good health habits, a clear and orderly environment

Practice: evenness of mind, thoughts, speech and discrimination. Keep the environment clean and clear.

Orderliness surrounding the self and our thoughts. Orderliness of environment. Clearing of energy.

Santosha: Contentment

Accept what is, make the best out of everything.

Practice: gratitude and joyfulness; remain calm with success or failure. This state of mind does not depend on any external status.

Contentment, acceptance, and an attitude of gratitude. Remaining focused in the face of adversity. It is a practice of choosing love over fear. Following the adage "Accept that which we cannot change, Change what we can, and have the wisdom to know the difference."

Tapas: Austerity

The willingness to do what is necessary to reach a goal with discipline.

Practice: determination to pursue daily practices, making sacrifices as necessary, enthusiasm for the spiritual path. Joyfulness with outer discipline will lead to inner discipline.

Tapas is about austerity, sacrifice, discipline. Tapas means "heat" or "fire." Go through the heat and accept it – invite it in. The fire brings transformation. If you are not in stillness, you are craving or having aversion. Transformation happens through the fire – burn off some layers and emerge as something new – a Phoenix. Give yourself fully to your dharma (your life’s mission). Develop courage, strength and simplicity. Long sitting meditation is a disciplined practice – physical heat is generated, which "burns" the ego away to reveal the true inner spirit.

Swadhyaya: Self-Education, Study

Consider the meaning of spiritual concepts – understanding the underlying wisdom, NOT accepting without question. Expanding knowledge through reading, pondering to understand the scriptures for observation of the self in relation to all life.

Practice: reflection, meditation, wanting to know the Truth.

Swadhyaya is the practice of self-observation. It gives you a pause between stimulus and response, letting you have room to breathe, relax, feel, watch, and allow. Items you are pondering may come clear to you in an almost organic manner – or it may take time for truth to emerge. Be open and have the spirit of exploration within you.

Ishwara-Pranidhana: Surrender to God/Light/Energy of the Universe

Practice: faith, dedication, sincerity, and patience to transcend the ego, which is so resistant to surrender.

Ishwara-Pranidhana is about your relationship to the divine energy of the universe. Offer the fruit of yourself, your work, and your devotion to Divinity. Keep self-actualization as your goal in your life, adjusting all your actions to serve this goal in some way. Spirituality embraces the light and the dark, so don’t judge the elements of your spirit. Spirituality is in many things – it is in our hearts. Your expression may be to read poetry, listen to music, to dance, to walk your dog. Find your expression of your surrender to Spirit and celebration of this energy.

From: http://www.focalpointyoga.com/yamas&niyamas.htm

Down the Crapper

2006-03-09T07:31:00.000-05:00

I really hate my practice right now.  I just don’t want to do it.  I think I’m tired of being in an ugly, cold, industrial room by myself and trying to do asanas.  I haven’t practiced since Friday and I’ve come in early enough the last three days but I don’t do anything, I just go to work instead.  Today I got through two Surya A’s and I just didn’t want to do it anymore.   I think I’m going to need to start going back to the yoga studio… the classes aren’t quite what I’m looking for and the times are less than convenient, but I need some help.  Hi, My name is Chris, and I’ve flushed my yoga practice down the toilet.

Work is actually good right now.  Moving upward hopefully with a little extra funding.  The builds are going well but my class, however, is not doing so well.  They had their first test on Monday.  I normally really get a kick out of sitting in a room when everyone else is taking a test because the focus and energy is so high.  Well, on Monday I didn’t feel that and I sort of blamed it on just getting used to it.  I also watched as two people sweated their way through the test, obviously horribly prepared.  I think people may have been expecting something a little less thought involved.  After grading… over half the class had a D or an F.  Now, my class isn’t hard in the first place, but I also give a study guide that has ALL the questions on it so if you just take a couple of hours to look up the answers you’ll do fine.  Obviously they didn’t feel the need.  I have a hunch they may study for the next one.

Back to the yoga gripe.  I would think with Pattabhi coming I would really be trying to get myself to the best possible place so I can really gain as much as possible during that time.  I just can’t seem to pull myself together.  I haven’t even registered yet…

Blah…………………..

Walking in a Winter Wonder... WTF!!!!

2006-03-02T19:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, Seriously, come on… It’s March! Could we please drop the winter wonderland theme. I’m ready for some heat! Work is nuts but good. The one benefit of the snow was the canceling of some pain in the ass event that was coming in… The Illusion still opens tonight. I think it’s a pretty good production. It all came together really well last night for the final-invited-dress-Gala-thing. (however, if you check that link… oh, man, those are some super-cheese photos… Our publicity could use a boost…)

No rest though, we go right into the next one. I have a list of frustrations that I could easily let loose about this next one but it’s really only going to make it worse so I’m trying to disassociate my negative feelings from the whole process and enjoy what good parts there are to enjoy (and there are quite a few).

The Blonde Lady and I are still engaged. I haven’t said or done anything too stupid so as to make her change her mind. It’s actually coming together pretty well. We’re using The Knot (which, believe it or not, is really quite helpful), we think we found our location for the ceremony. The invite list is way to long so we’re looking at trimming that back… Of course we started registering for gifts, lots of plates and bowls, towels, etc. Thankfully REI has a gift registry, too. :-) We may have found someone to make the cake, and possibly our Musician (once we audition her…). So… So far, so good. Honestly, though, the best part of this is as we talk more and plan more I’m getting more excited and any fears are going away. Oh, and some of my students got a congratulatory cake for us. I really do have great students.

The yoga is, well, not the strongest part of my life right now. I’ve been so busy at work I’ve been too tired to practice much this week and over the weekend. I’m glad Monday was a moon day. Saved a little self abuse. Last year at this time as I was getting prepared for Pattabhi’s visit to NYC I was practicing my ass off. Now I’m just trying not to get too fat or too stiff so as not to embarrass myself for the upcoming tour visit. The yoga teaching is actually going really well. I’m getting lots of students returning and a couple of new ones each week. If I ever get them all to come to the same class there will be around 25 people… I think that massage I got over the engagement weekend really opened my lower back. I’m still seeing benefits although I have tightened back up a little. It really makes me want to get a massage once a month.

Helen the Cat is happy I’m finally home from work for an evening so I think she would prefer I get off the computer and spend a little couch time with her and the boy cat. Can’t argue with a face like that.

The Morning After

2006-02-20T09:12:00.000-05:00

Energy was low this morning, I’m sure largely due to the “quality” food over the weekend. The massage definitely opened up my lower back. I was able to put my head on the floor in Padottanasana B & C; which I’ve never been able to do before. But the hips and knees were crazy tight. And something is loose in my shoulders. Like bad loose. There was absolutely no shoulder strength today and something was rubbing in the left shoulder. So I allowed today to be more about observing the effects of the weekend rather than trying to go somewhere with my practice. And I observed myself stopping early, rolling up the mat, and walking right out the door. Oh, well. Tomorrow then.

She Said Yes!

2006-02-19T19:32:00.000-05:00

So on Friday I picked up the Blonde Lady from the train station and instead of taking her back to my apartment I took her to a little B&B not too far away where we could hide from the world. It was a great place; nice, big, comfy bed, Jacuzzi tub, built in something like 1700 (I don’t think the Jacuzzi was original…). We had a glass or two of some really nice wine and with very little arm twisting she agreed…to be my wife.

Holy Shit… I’m engaged.

Anyway, after celebrating her answer and over the course of the next two days, we spent a few hours in the tub (you can make a LOT of bubbles in a Jacuzzi tub with a little bit of bubble bath), picked out a ring, ate a lot of good food, cuddled, marveled at the idea of being engaged, and this morning we each had a wonderful 90 minute massage. She got a hot stone massage and I went for the deep tissue, hoping it might release my lower back a little. And then sadly made our way back to the real world, where we now have to plan this monster called a wedding. We’re looking at August right now because after that my schedule gets really crappy for about 9 months… It also looks like we’ll be getting an apartment together in the end of May. So Lots of changes. Yeah, and did I mention August? Yikes! That’s only 6 months away!

So I guess if I can’t go to India in August, this will give me something to do…

I Can Breathe!

2006-02-15T08:51:00.000-05:00

Quick entry as I have way too much to do today per usual.    Good News is the cold/flu thing is on it’s way out.  I practiced today and yesterday.  Not quite full practices but it felt great to be moving again after the lethargy of the weekend.   I have discovered the Neti Pot (Thanks Cat!) and it has done wonders for clearing out the sinuses.  Breathing is good…  and yes I knew what one was, the concept just sort of creeped me out.  So a little nudge from a friend and I gave it a try…   At the end of my practice today I focused a lot on back bends and inversions… Felt really good and I think it’s helping to clean me out.

I feel like I’ve been bitching a lot lately but I actually have a lot to bitch about.  Found out yesterday after this weekend I get to work 26 days without a day off…  But then it’s spring break so I’ll be damned if they’re going to see a sign of me at all that week.  So I’ll add that to the list…

I guess it’s really not that long of a list…  Doesn’t mean I won’t bitch :)

Didn’t get to see the Blonde Lady over the weekend because we were trying to keep her healthy, but we’ll see each other this weekend and make up for lost time, I’m sure.

I think I’m ready for Spring.  Warm… Green… Outside…  Yeah, that sounds good.

Sniffle, wheeze, hack, hack...

2006-02-11T06:55:00.000-05:00

There are things I would rather do than be sick.  Like just about anything.  My boss was kind enough to wander around to everyone’s office this last week with a raging version of some flu/cold thing.  And now I’m trying not to hack up a lung.  I’ve got some good medicine and I think I’m pushing through quickly, but we’ll see.  I don’t know if I’ll get to see the Blonde Lady this weekend because I don’t want her to get sick and she catches just about everything.

Yoga is currently out right now, as I can’t really breathe, it’s more like pretending to breathe.  I’ve started teaching a basic/beginning yoga class to some of the students at school.  I sort of tried to start last week but no one showed, then this week I had 9 students on Thursday and 6 on Friday.  It was so much fun.  This next week I’ll have classes on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.  I’ll be interested to see who repeats.  I’ve tried to practice before each class but as time draws near the start of the class I start to get nervous and distracted.  I’m sure that will ease with time.

After walking out of class on Thursday, it was cold but really sunny.  I saw a man do his own little non-asana sun salutation as he walked from shadow into the light, looked up into the sun, closed his eyes and smiled as he continued to walk.

And at last check, my blog feed wasn’t working.  We’ll see….

Son of A Bitch!

2006-02-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

hey chris,
i talked to eddie -- guruji and company will be in finland and italy august and september. they will be back in mysore october.
what are the chances you'll be able to go october?
take care,
r

Crazy Busy

2006-02-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

I wish I had more time to write but things are jumpin’ at work.  Practices have been going well.  The Blonde Lady practiced with me and my two students (Spark Plug and the one I haven’t named yet) on Monday and that was really great.  She then came by for lunch and was able to hang out with a couple other students (also without blog names at this point).  It’s a nice feeling sort of integrating my two worlds together.  Keeping them separate was stressing me out but I was scared to blend them… Don’t know why.

One little tidbit that makes me happy-  I think I’m going to Mysore… Assuming Pattabhi and Sharath are there from the end of July through most of August…  I think I’ve found the funds, cleared it with the Blonde Lady and my boss…  So I’m waiting to find out if they’ll be around.  I thought I would ask Sharath when they are in NYC and then finalize my plans.  Wooo hoooo!!!!!

Oh, yeah, woke up to no heat again this morning, don’t know why.   The furnace finally lit right before I left for practice so… I’m having the gas people come out soon to take a look at it.

Happy Friday

2006-01-27T09:31:00.000-05:00

What a Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Today

2006-01-26T09:44:00.000-05:00

Well we’re off and running in the semester and at this point it’s just about keeping the head above water and the work out of the home.  Classes are good.  I actually got all the students up on the grid.  I was kind of surprised… usually one in five will avoid going up if asked to go up individually.   The show is fine if things would stop changing but Purchasing has put a serious crimp in our ability to buy things quickly; which is somewhat of a necessity in this business.  And of course the top of the semester also has thousands of little things that need to happen for people and for some reason most of them fall to me…

Practice was good this morning.  One of my students came in to join me and I think she wants to start coming in every day, which is fine by me.  The company sometimes makes it easier to get through.  We also helped each other out in Supta Kurmasana.  With help she was able to bind and she was able to get me closer to binding than I have ever been.  Next time I’m going to have her push my knees toward my shoulder with her feet.  My shoulders are too tight for smaller people to try to be gentle.  But it still felt incredible when I came out.

And once again it was beautiful coming in this morning.  The sliver of a crescent moon in a clear dark blue sky.  The snow crunches under my feet as I walk to the car. And as I drive in, the clouds on the horizon go from a dark gray to having just the slightest hint of rose, I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me when I first noticed it.  I don’t know if I’ve ever noticed dawn coming so subtly.

2 in 2

2006-01-25T08:44:00.000-05:00

Two digits in two weeks.  Smashed that is.  Last Monday I got my finger stuck in the locking mechanism of a dumpster and today I smashed my thumb when a 45 lb bar fell on it, pinching it against a steel plate…  Both are a pretty good size now but nothing broken.  The thumb business put a damper on my practice this morning so I didn’t get too far.  Yesterday and the day before were good practices but more on the restorative side.  I’m still trying to recover from last week.

The week finished out well and I’m looking forward to doing it next year.  The one glitch was on Friday night I had to present an award to the school with the best load-in and load-out.  It was in front of a group of about 700 and I don’t do well in front of groups of 20… so, needless to say, I stuttered and stammered through; only getting lost in my thoughts TWICE (as in standing in front of 700 people not saying anything).   I felt like an idiot… But it was a wonderful ego check, so anytime I start to get frustrated/embarrassed when thinking about it, I just remind myself that it’s only a bruised ego.  The people I was presenting to didn’t care or found it humorous and it just looked like I wasn’t comfortable speaking to a large group… which I’m not.  So, once again, life conspires to keep me in line.

Monday was the first day of class and it felt like New Year’s day to me.  Just the chance to start it all again.  My class went well and I had to laugh when thinking about how nervous I was before my first class last semester.   All things through practice… no matter what you’re practicing.  Today I get to take the students up to the grid (the grid is the area above the stage where all the rigging is attached) to wander around on large metal bars that they can easily see through to the floor (45 feet below).  It should be a hoot.

Oh, and I’ve also made it to the gym the last two nights to get a little cardio workout in without destroying my knees.  It feels nice to blow the lungs out a bit.  Hope to keep it up and expedite the process of dropping the winter weight.

I'm Tired

2006-01-19T07:27:00.000-05:00

Why is it, when you’re exhausted, you actually have two extra hours to sleep, yet you still wake up at 5:00 and can’t go back to sleep. This morning when I woke up two hours early I was thinking about knots. And how to tie them. Actually how to show other people to tie them. As that’s what I’m doing tomorrow. And apparently I have a punctuation fetish. Eh, I’m tired…

Got home last night after my 17 hour day to find my motorcycle lying on it’s side in the driveway… apparently after I took it out last week I dropped the kickstand on a soft spot that was frozen and with the heat of the last few days it squishied up and I’m sure the windstorm yesterday didn’t help. No major damage but trying to pick up a 600lb. motorcycle after that long of a day kinda sucks.

The festival is going really well. Yesterday we had two really good productions. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and a new play called Minor Demons. Today is long but done by 11 and tomorrow it’s all over!

Mid-Week Update

2006-01-18T06:43:00.000-05:00

So far so good. Other than the long hours it’s going really well. The attitudes have been good and my students have been fantastic. We are surprisingly well prepared for the influx of people and shows. Today we start at 7:30 and we have two shows loading in and two loading out (last one loads out at 10:30/11:00). It will be the longest day today but tomorrow may be the craziest when we have two shows loading in at once. I think this week has been extremely beneficial for my students so they can see what other people do, good and bad, and it gives them a chance to do a lot of the work with repetition that we normally have to glaze over in the semester due to lack of time. Oh, shit, I have a workshop on Friday. I guess I need to get ready for that, too. One thing that worries me tho, is my knee is killing me from going up and down stair. I’m curious what it’s going to do to my practice (when I get one again).

Akrodha

2006-01-16T06:42:00.000-05:00

There are those people that, for some reason, always try to piss you and everybody else off. It's really hard sometimes to not take the bait and start an argument but that's my goal. I want to understand that it doesn't come from me, that I do not need to defend myself. I know that these are good people, and that I do the same things sometimes in moments of insecurity.

The Tree House

2006-01-16T06:37:00.000-05:00

Here we go...

2006-01-15T07:50:00.000-05:00

And so it begins. ACTF starts today in that our students will be coming back and we will start getting ourselves ready for the onslaught of 1200 theatre students from around the region who will be getting here tomorrow. I woke up this morning a little nervous and a little excited. (And a little in the dark; the power was out for a few hours last night due to this lovely weather coming through) I’m happy my students are coming back and one of the best things about going into something new is that, well, you’re going into something new; it’s a challenge. The hours will be long this week but I think I may be able to squeeze in a practice here and there. This week may be a picture week in the blog. (along with a few exclamations of frustration…) And, hey, I got a couple of free t-shirts out of it.

Yesterday was a lovely way to end my winter “break.” Spent the day over in Queens with the Blonde Lady and as usual, had a wonderful time. And winter is back…

Frosty Morning

2006-01-13T09:27:00.000-05:00

The Deer

2006-01-12T09:14:00.000-05:00

I saw a deer get hit by a car today. She caught her hindquarters on the headlight of the Toyota and was tossed end over end into the woods beside the road. It wasn’t the driver’s fault, there were two deer and the first one bolted barely missing the car and the second didn’t get past. I pulled over to see if the deer was ok, I didn’t see how she could be… she scrambled around for a few seconds… I was scared that she had broken her back… but then hopped up and ran off with the other deer who had waited for her just a few feet away. And I tried not to cry. I hope she’s ok.

Obstacles

2006-01-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts. -Richard Bach, Illusions

Every step has meaning. Every challenge is there because we need something from it.

Why is Sirsasana easy for me but Mari D seems impossible? Because I need to learn something from being in Sirsasana and from exploring the path into Mari D. Why did I have what I believed to be a horrible practice the other day so I got pissed off and ended early? So that I can understand that it’s ok to come back to my practice, that it’s ok to judge… I can forgive myself, this is not a one shot deal. Why do some joints hurt one day and not the next? Why do I float like a balloon one day and crash like the Hindenburg the next?

Why could I eat anything I wanted when I was younger with no consequences, but now I have this emotional escape into fatty foods and I just seem to keep packing on the pounds? Why have I created this form of escapism? Maybe because I know my ego won’t let me hide so I have to confront my issues… Maybe I don’t have a clue…

Every step is the right step, the necessary step to move me along my path. And there are those that walk beside us for a while, and there are those who are going a different path.

The only thing I really know, was that today, during my practice, it felt right to me.

Good Week, Glad it's Over

2006-01-06T11:03:00.000-05:00

It’s been a good week and I’m happy.  I listened to my body today and cut my practice short, it’s worked hard this week and that line was glaring at me, so I backed off.  I’m looking forward to the rest day tomorrow; I’m taking it off from practicing and the weights so the body should really have a chance to heal.  Lifting again has been fun.  I’m trying to keep it from getting too intense, so far so good.

I was excited to see Pattabhi and Co. are coming but I have to admit I feel a little better since it’s been posted here.  However it didn’t stop me from canceling my morning classes that week in my syllabus when REW mentioned it a week ago!

I think my working from home is done for a while, I’ve got too much that involves interaction with other people.  It was nice while it lasted and it will be back in August and next Winter…

ACTF (American College Theatre Festival) will be here week after next (8 am to 1 am, 5 days straight.  Woohoo!!!) and then it’s into the semester full swing…  It sort of feels like a giant boulder at the top of a hill and it’s on it’s way down, slowly picking up speed and hard to slow down.  I think it would be easier to change the angle of the hill than try to control the boulder…  I suppose I could just jump on and go for a ride…

Fighting the Good Times

2006-01-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

I fought it as best I could. Tooth and nail – I did Not want to get on my mat. I procrastinated for two hours because I didn’t want to “waste” two hours to practice when I could be getting lots of good work done. I didn’t want to go outside, the studio was cold, etc., etc., etc… Why do I do this to myself? I had the best, most blissful practice that I’ve had in ages. I’m curious why, when something nearly always produces positive results, we (I) try to avoid it… I know I keep coming back to this but I think one of the reasons it was so good today was the lack of music… The ability to focus and be aware of my Self… It’s really beyond words… So I’ll stop talking about it.

I actually did get some work done yesterday. Unfortunately I lost all desire to work when I yelled at the cat’s for knocking something over and the dog peed on the floor. (She’s old…and has a nervous bladder…) and of course she was on the carpet instead of the tiled floor. Cleaning up dog pee always kills my desire to work. So I read a little in Light on Yoga and tried to get a little more of it to stick in my head, but sometimes I think my brain is Teflon coated.

But today is a new day – and nearly half over… I guess I should get back to it.

The Sound of Silence

2006-01-04T12:58:00.000-05:00

Working from home has its perks but if you lose that motivation… I’m enjoying being home due to winter break at school but I think I have more to do now than when school is in session.  I’ve told myself I’m going to have a productive day today so no excuses…

Practice was good today.  Day 2 without the music.  I definitely think this is better for the mental and spiritual parts of my practice.  The lack of music allows my practice to be mindful instead of mindless.  There’s more of the voices and commentaries but when they go away for a breath or two or ten then my practice takes on a different quality.  Physically, today was challenging.  My shoulders gave out early and I’m not entirely sure why.  They were just exhausted about halfway through.  It made vinyasas a real trick and caused a bit of a face plant and roll when coming out of Bhuja Pindasana.  Chakrasanas were also more challenging, but I just kept going.  No skipping, no shortening (a little lard, but I’m working on that) I just kept working through each pose, finding the breath and relaxing into the pose.  My hips and knees are venturing into new territory, too.  Where did we say that line is???

And I love going to the grocery after practice.  I still impulse shop just as much as normal but instead of chocolate, pizza, or ice-cream I grab fruit, vegetables, and things that are actually good for me.

Ok, Work, Here I go, I’m really going to do it…

Breaking Point

2006-01-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

How fine is the line between pushing too hard and not pushing hard enough? Obviously to hurt one’s self is pushing to hard but how close to that line are you supposed to go before you stop? I don’t know…How do you even know where the line is? I’ve hurt myself a few times in my yoga practice; hamstring, knees and shoulders. Some from bad form others from surpassing my limit. Now I have a tendency to stop once I get into resistance in a pose. I can feel it… ok, I must be there. I think one of the benefits of practicing with a teacher is that they see when you are at limits created by your mind, but as I’m currently practicing sans teacher, I don’t have that benefit. I practiced with REW last week and a she helped me with a couple of things, both of which revealed to me that I’m not listening to myself as much as I should when I practice which was causing me to sell myself short.

Another discovery I made today was that although I like listening to music when I practice, I think it may be drowning out my thoughts and my breath and my body’s voice. I turned it off today and I found my practice to be much deeper. I think I will still use it occasionally but maybe I’ll try cutting back for a while, see if I can observe that line instead of just assuming I’m somewhere close and backing off.

Auspicious Start...

2006-01-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

Woke up on Saturday and couldn’t figure out why it was so cold…oh! The furnace isn’t working! Oh, Shit! I’m out of propane! Oh, Double Shit! I’m supposed to check that?! So that’s how Saturday started. The Blonde Lady and I built a fire in the fireplace to keep the heat going but the flue wasn’t open wide enough for the size fire we built so we set off the smoke detectors… We skipped practicing to wait for the propane Guy to come fill the tank up and then headed into Queens to spend a quiet New Year’s Eve at her place (all signs led to the boys above me throwing a party). The Blonde Lady made a wonderful stir-fry with peanut sauce and coconut rice and then we proceeded to pass out early (ok, well, I did) due to the possibility of getting up early and practicing with REW and Hockey Chick.

We got up at 5:00 but, due to extenuating circumstances we didn’t practice in the morning but made plans to go over to their place in the afternoon. We had a relatively leisurely morning, went back to bed and napped a bit, and then needed to head over to Brooklyn to look at a car for the Blonde Lady. We were bringing the dog along with us as she was getting a little stressed in this new environment so we walked her for a bit to get her emptied out, hopped in the car and headed out… but…oh, dear…shit…yes, shit… someone stepped in it. We had just gotten around the block and were almost back in front of Her apartment, we stopped in front of a bus stop to hop out quickly and clean our shoes and as I start to get back in… my door is locked… and the back door is locked… and every thing else is locked… shit! Shit! Shit!... and it’s running…and our cell phones are in the car… and the dog is in the car… Outfuckingstanding! So She runs back into her place (glad we didn’t get too far) and calls Ford’s roadside assistance. 30ish minutes later we’re back in and headed off to Brooklyn about an hour late. We called REW and HC on the way to Brooklyn to beg out of our plans so as not to drag our cloud over their heads. We did look at the car which turns out to not be what She was looking for but it gave us a better idea of what She was looking for so it was a worthwhile trip. And then we headed back up here on a beautiful drive up the Taconic Parkway, had some lovely Sesame Tofu with garlic spinach and rice that the Blonde Lady so graciously cooked (Again! She’s starting to spoil me…), watched some bad TV and then hit the sack…and listened to the thumping from above… The sad thing is, it’s not that they’re being loud; it’s just that this house has horrible acoustics… oof..

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post Holiday Detox

2005-12-27T22:42:00.000-05:00

So for the last two days I’ve been weaning myself off all the sugar and fat I’ve been ingesting for the last, oh, I don’t know, Month, Maybe?  All that talk I did a month ago about eating light, well, as soon as I got super-slammed at work and ran out of good food I lost the battle.  And damn, my head hurts.  I’ve had my caffeine for the day so I’m assuming this is sugar based.

I almost practiced today.  I will practice tomorrow.  That’s why I’m writing this now; to get my intention out there.  I did pull the weights out this evening and lifted (lightly).  I think I’m going add a little weight lifting back into my life.  I don’t think I necessarily need it, the Ashtanga definitely keeps me strong, but I just like doing it.  It’s the testosterone in me…  I’m not planning on the hardcore workouts from the past, just 15 minutes before I practice everyday to warm up and wake up, and if I follow it up with my asana practice it should keep me from tightening up.

I didn’t realize my last entry sounded as depressing as it came across.  I’ve gotten more than the usual number of comments/calls/emails (Thank you all for caring). I’m really ok, I just made the observation that I was going the wrong way and happily, this time, I caught it more quickly.   I’ve gone years in the past before catching it (and I’m not exaggerating).  I like what I do for work and it’s real easy to bury myself in it so deeply that I lose myself.

Other notes from my world- I was in Arkansas over the weekend meeting and visiting with the Blonde Lady’s family and on the return trip American Airlines lost my luggage (Bastards!) so I’m still waiting on that.  From my family I got a couple of gift cards so I bought a Magic Bullet and an iPod Speaker Dock which puts out surprisingly good sound for it’s size and it means I can use my iPod as my alarm clock… waking to good music instead of a beeping phone.  I don’t like using a normal alarm clock because the numbers are too bright.  (It’s so dark around my house that the littlest lights become too bright once your eyes adjust).

Ok, I’m starting to ramble and I need to get some sleep to follow through with my intention.  Plus the Blonde Lady is coming up tomorrow and we’ll have our own Holiday as we really haven’t had the opportunity yet.  As great as her family is, I think they cramped our private time a bit.

Losing MySelf

2005-12-25T08:14:00.000-05:00

I haven’t thought about myself much lately. This might sound like a good thing, an unselfish thing. But it’s not. I need the time, ability, and energy to focus on myself so I can figure out where I stand and from that footing I can exist with the rest of the world. I’ve allowed myself to get overwhelmed with things that are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I have ignored my spiritual self, my physical self, and for the most part, my intellectual self. I haven’t written in a while, nor have I practiced, nor have I read, or thought about anything that (directly) stretches me. I haven’t even been reading my “regular” blogs because they will remind me of what I haven’t been doing.

I am unhappy and unhealthy and it’s time to change.

What I did on my day off

2005-12-09T18:34:00.000-05:00

Snow Day

2005-12-09T09:35:00.000-05:00

New Paltz is cancelled today due to too much snow… I was in Buffalo too long, we’re only getting 6 to 10 inches… oh well. I still came in and practiced today and I really should go home, sit and drink hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. but I can really use today to get caught up on the end of the semester … and I’m here anyway… I’m not sure if the Blonde Lady is coming out this weekend. I have meetings tomorrow and strike on Sunday for our dance concert. By the way, the flying of the dancer went really well and now he’s thinking of choreographing a piece next year with a bunch of people rappelling… Should be really cool. But back to the Blonde Lady, with the snow on top of my schedule it may it too crazy of a weekend. And I know she’s really tapped out from work right now… she was shooting a commercial the other night that went from 9pm to 6am… No Thanks!

And I’m still pretty wiped out from my schedule right now, too. I haven’t been practicing this week until today. I almost didn’t get up and I started a half hour late but I made it. And I didn’t do the Ashtanga series today… I did most of the standing and then branched off into some random vinyasa thing. I don’t think I would have been able to finish if I had just done Primary. I really needed to follow my body and the poses came one after the other so I didn’t question, just enjoyed the opening.

It’s weirdly quiet here. The lack of constant questions will be nice today but I really miss the students when they’re not around. That could make for a long Holiday break. Of course with everything I have to do, I really will need the time to focus.

Some Days

2005-12-06T07:47:00.000-05:00

Some days the universe gently says we’re just not meant to practice. I didn’t get home from work last night until nearly midnight but I had Sparkplug meeting me at 6:30 this morning to practice so I was actually motivated to come in and practice. And then 5am came and I didn’t want to get up so I snoozed until 5:30 (bad sign number 1). I finally got my tired ass out of bed and staggered into the kitchen and fed the animals. I checked my email real quick to make sure she hadn’t canceled, let the dog out, and headed for the shower. When I got out of the shower I went to let the dog back in and she was nowhere to be found…shit… (Bad Sign number 2) So I get dressed, thinking she’s just wandered a little. As I’m getting ready to leave she’s still not there so I get a flashlight and go wandering around in the dark and in the cold looking for her. After a half an hour I’m sort of at my wits end. I was supposed to meet sparkplug 10 minutes ago and I don’t know where my dog is. She’s 14, has a limp, is going deaf… did she take off after a deer? Did she run into some coyotes? Did she slip and fall down and is freezing in the snow?...shit…shit…shit… One more lap around the house and then I going inside to put more clothes on, I’m freezing. And there she is, standing by the car, looking at me like I’m an idiot. So off we go, hoping to catch Sparkplug before she leaves (I don’t have her cell number to call her). I get to school, 20 minutes late, go straight to the studio but no one’s there. I go up to my office to drop off the dog and grab my mat and head back toward the studio. And as soon as I close my locked office door…shit…Bad sign number 3… I left my keys sitting on my desk…Fuck…I had a limited time to practice as it was because I’ve got a meeting at 8:30 off campus. There’s only one other person who has keys to my office and I don’t know where she is… So off I go in search of the Cleaning Lady to unlock my office. It doesn’t take me too long to find her but by the time we get back to my office I would only have 45 minutes to practice. I thought about it, I really did… but I put on a pot of coffee instead.

At work right now we’re in tech rehearsals for our dance show. I think I’ve mentioned that we’re flying someone. It’s not too high, just about 5 feet but the way the rig is set up the person flying him has to move 20 feet because we have it set up with a 4:1 mechanical advantage. So I’ve got one of my students, Mo, flying him, or maybe being a human counter weight is a better way to describe it. Essentially, I have Mo twenty feet up a wall, with the dancer attached to a pulley system. Mo then rappels down 20 feet and raises the dancer 5. We’ve got the bugs worked out now (ok, most of them) and it works pretty well. But in order to get Mo comfortable hanging out and rappelling from 20 feet (it’s a lot higher when you’re hanging off the side of a wall than when you’re looking up, especially if you’ve never done it before) we came in on Sunday and rapplled from the grid (40 feet) a few times so 20’ doesn’t feel so high. And in our practice rappels I finally worked up the courage to do something I’ve wanted to do for years. I rappelled Australian style! (which means rappelling face down) we got some video but it was a little dark. If I can get it cleaned up a bit I’ll post it. It was really cool but I nearly chickened out a couple of times. I actually had climbed over the edge of the rail and was getting ready to step off, freaked out, and then climbed back… But finally, I stepped off with one foot, then the other, the rope had my weight, but I still had a death grip with my non-brake hand on the railing. When I trusted the rope or the grid wasn’t going to fall I slowly released my death grip and hovered… 40 feet in the air…facing down…with nothing visible between me and the floor…and I slowly released the brake.

The first time was fun but a little slow so I could get a feel for it. The second time was a little faster, and a little more mission impossible style… I wanted to keep doing it but we actually had work to do and I needed to pick up the Blonde Lady from the train at 12:40 so I had to stop…

Quickie

2005-11-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

Practice was good this morning. Still building up heat and playing with the bandhas. I’m trying to stay off the scale so that my adjustments to eating habits aren’t weight based or ego based, but really more about my general state of being and my yoga practice.

I like those practices where I’m aware that I’m lucky to be doing what I’m doing. I think the good things are around more when I’m aware and grateful. I need to make sure I don’t take anything for granted.

I would really like to think and write more but I have a class to teach… and I don’t want to take that for granted either.

Keeping the Home Fires Burning…

2005-11-29T08:28:00.000-05:00

I eat too much… I like to eat until I’m full (like, REALLY full).  It’s worse in the fall and early winter because I think my body is trying to put on that extra layer for warmth.   Aside from the vanities of the aesthetic effects of eating too much it really affects my practice.  Basically, my overall energy is just lower, my body feels heavier (pun not really intended), I have the obvious issue of the extra layer restricting some movements and I noticed that my internal heat is severely dampened.  That last one is what I was really paying attention to today.  I haven’t been building up that much heat as of late and I was blaming it on the cooler weather/room.  But the last couple of days I’ve been eating better and less and I found myself sweating again before the third Surya Namaskara A.  I was pretty excited about that.  The other thing I notice, and I’ve mentioned it before, is how over eating messes up my bandhas so that I can’t get that lift.  It was nice this morning to have heat and bandhas.  My body was the willing participant, the mind, once again, wanted to go home.  I felt my mind thinking on several occasions “ok, you tried, you’re tired, it’s ok to stop now.” And I watched to see what my body’s response would be.  I found myself smiling as my body simply ignored the mind.  Yes, I was tired, but the body had the strength to keep going…so it did.  And I think the mind is grateful (but it’s ego is too big to admit it).

Mmmm, Faculty meeting today.  My Favorite!

Oh, and as cute as the mouse is, he’s got to go.  He shit in my coffee mug.

Testing

2005-11-21T10:26:00.000-05:00

I’m just hangin’ out, surfin the net, watching my students take a test. What a hoot, gotta love technology. The brainwork in this room right now is amazing. The focus is a lot like you’ll find in a yoga class with 15 people in it. The energy is almost palpable. The funny thing, I think, is the fact that they’re not aware of their focus. They are just taking a test. It’s the only thing on their mind (minus the occasional glances out the window to clear the head) yet they probably aren’t aware of this. Unlike a yoga practice where we often pay attention to our focus, trying to keep only one thing in our mind, these guys don’t even consider the option anything else entering their minds for 75 minutes… Pretty cool.

And…shhhh, don’t tell Jenna but I skipped my practice today. From working late yesterday and making sure the test was ready today I just didn’t want my mind to leave “work mode”. Plus I’m really f***ing tired.

Honestly...

2005-11-18T08:06:00.000-05:00

Practice this morning was… honest. It was not deep, it was not vigorous, but it was true to me. It was a little cold in the studio this morning and my body never really loosened up but there was a fluidity to my movement that I really enjoyed. Think molasses, cold molasses. Well not that stiff… maybe more like honey. Yeah, that works. But whatever consistency it was the movements that were smooth and connected and the flow from one pose to the next was in the breath, not just corresponding with it. The whole body moved together instead of moving the legs, then arms then torso etc… It was a nice feeling even if I wasn’t going as deep and fast as the ego might prefer.

I have a new office mate. I’m not sure of a name yet…
I stopped by my office before practicing this morning and heard a rustle in the trash can… and there he was. I have no idea what to do with him. I thought about putting him outside but it’s cold… I tried laying the trash can down in the hall and letting him run away but he just ran out of the can and back into my office. He’s really cute, but I know they can carry diseases etc… I guess it’s time to deep clean the office and not give him a reason to be in here… or build him a house…

Why?

2005-11-17T08:30:00.000-05:00

People sometimes ask why I get up at 5:30 so I can practice at 6:30… Because the coming day is just an idea that I can form, create, make my own. Because I can hear and smell the seasons changing without distraction. Because I can watch the slightly waning moon sink behind the Mohonk ridge as the sun brings the color back to the earth while I do my Sun Salutations. And of course because the rest of my day is so insane I would lose the opportunity to practice more often than not…

That being said, my practice was actually not great this morning. It started well but I had physically a very deep practice yesterday (not to be confused with the moon day practice) so today was about being kind to sore muscles and joints. My energy started waning (wow, used that word twice in one entry) right around Navasana but I made it through all the poses sans some of the vinyasas. Plus I can’t afford to owe Jenna five bucks everytime I don’t make it through my practice…

So the Palm Z22 is a really handy little gadget. It definitely helps with a less than stellar memory. I think once I use it to get caught up with everything I’ve been forgetting this semester it might actually keep my life from being so crazy… or at least a lot less “oh, shit, I forgot about that, sorry…”

Today is the test flight for one of the upcoming dance pieces. I’m flying our dance instructor at the end of his solo piece (assuming it looks like he wants it to). Let’s all hope for gentle landings. And he’s not going very high so…

Have a great day. I know I’m going to, I decided that at 6:00 this morning.

Moon Day?

2005-11-15T16:40:00.000-05:00

Shit. I didn't know it was a moon day... well, good, now I can blame that.

Rainy Days

2005-11-15T08:08:00.000-05:00

Rainy days…rainy days…  I just didn’t have it in me.  I made it through the Surya Namaskaras and half the standing but lost the motivation…  I need a yoga buddy… Or a studio that I can practice at in the mornings.   It’s definitely better for me to do it first thing every morning but Damn if it’s not hard to make it through some days by myself.  Maybe its just that I feel like I’m by myself… Loss of that whole connection thing.  Anyway… ebb and flow, right?

On the gadget front- I got a Palm Pilot, the Z22 (the cheap one).  I wanted to sync my home and work computers and see if it is helpful in keeping me organized.  So far it seems to be helpful but we’ll wait and see.  If it turns out I use it regularly I’ll probably switch to the Treo in a year or so.  Assuming I can afford that.  (Moving on to the work front) The claim at work is that they’re trying to get me more money so I can actually afford to live here.  We’ll see.  There’s often a lot of talk with little action about things like this.  I really like being here.  Probably my favorite job to date but I thought I stopped that hand to mouth stuff a few years ago…

And in the rest of my life- there are questions being asked and questions being answered and creating more and bigger questions, still looking for the answers, but I know they’ll come.

This all sounds like I’m a little down, but actually, I’m not.  In terms of general happiness, I haven’t been this content in a long time…

Sleepin' in

2005-11-13T08:15:00.000-05:00

You know, I kinda like sleeping in until 7:00, and waking up when the sun is streaming in the window… Beautiful Morning, Beautiful Day. My world is in a state of transition but I trust that the truth is always there to guide me.

I think maybe the Blonde Lady and I may have to climb today. That is, once the temperature gets above freezing…

Simple but Good

2005-11-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

After a day of hardcore physical labor yesterday I appreciated the slow and easy opening of my practice today.  We’re replacing the top layer of flooring on the stage and it’s really old, and really crappy so it’s a … challenge, to say the least.  I don’t think anyone working wasn’t bleeding somewhere by the end of the day and most were bleeding from multiple wounds.  It was fun…

Spark Plug came in and joined me for practice this morning but there was no teaching going on, she just flowed through the primary with me.  My shoulders were a bit tight from the work yesterday but loosened up quickly only to wear out by the end.   I worked the vinyasas a bit today so the shoulders were well used.  Forward folds were oddly open and I extended a good 3 to 4 inches further than usual.  I still find myself cheating my hamstrings but as long as I keep catching myself I guess I can keep fixing it.

Work is really good.  We got the second show up and running and my schedule should slow down a bit (key word is “should”)  My next project is build a flying rig for a dancer in the upcoming dance show case.  I love flying people, but it always scares the crap out of me.  I haven’t written much lately as I’m just sort of moving through life with a few interesting thoughts but for the most part, just existing, enjoying and appreciating.  I’m having an itch for a yoga class in Buffalo, so I may have to figure out if I can get there anytime soon.

I’m hungry.

Now Playing

2005-11-09T09:09:00.000-05:00

At the SUNY New Paltz nearest you.

It's nice to do a show on occassion that makes you reall look at the world.

Siddhartha

2005-11-07T10:47:00.000-05:00

I currently have no words to express it.

Siddhartha

Autumn at the Gunks

2005-11-05T19:31:00.000-05:00

Moving without a map

2005-11-04T08:34:00.000-05:00

The intentions were good, the heart was open…but the mind and body just didn’t cooperate. Actually, it was really just the mind and it distracted the body. I started out great, with a clear mind and a gratefulness for being able to practice, but by the end of the standing series my mind was a jumbled mess bouncing all over the place which made the body less than willing. I almost threw in the towel but part of me still really wanted to practice so I veered off course and played with some different poses. I played with this version of Eka Pada Rajakapotasana which is a big step for me. I used to have a hard time just getting one hand back to my leg… I then moved on to some other hip openers and then to back bends. Oh, back bends. I started out just laying back over the only prop I could find (which happened to be an industrial roll of paper towels) and allowed my front body to open up. Then I moved on to Urdhva Dhanurasana and some variations on that. At one point I rolled back onto my heels and really extended the legs and the arms. Crazy intense. It felt like a cork popped in my spinal column and the energy just went shooting up my spine and I thought my head was going to pop off and sparks would shoot out the base of my skull like a firework… I wonder how long that block had been there…

Anyway, that’s my practice. My mind is all over the place and my work hours are long. Mostly fun, sometimes frustrating but it’s that journey, the good and the bad, the sour and the sweet. And without the curves in the road, you might fall asleep at the wheel.

Long day, short entry

2005-11-03T22:06:00.000-05:00

Getting up at 4, practicing at 5 and teaching at 6:30 may not be the way I want to go… I was dragging by the end of my own practice but the energy of teaching a class got me going again. I made the mistake of reading rew’s blog before I started to write now I just have all these thoughts of observing life and how I do and do not experience it as a journey.

Note: this is all I had time to write before I was absorbed into the world of work and not released until late evening… makes a boy tired. Published back to a more accurate time.

Your so vain

2005-11-02T08:51:00.000-05:00

You probably think this pose is about you…

Practice was very Brechtian. I was constantly pulling myself out of my practice to observe, rethink, and adjust. I practiced in the dance studio again but today I left the mirrors uncovered and made some observations about my practice. Some were ego based, some were alignment based, all were distracting but necessary. I even took a video of my Surya B. I usually try to allow the processes of the mind to happen in the subconscious but today they were right there in front. I accepted the vanities of looking in the mirror because I wanted to see my alignment but I couldn’t separate my opinions so they came along too. And happily, I’m not as fat as I thought I was (but more judgmental than I would prefer)… the big thing I learned today is that I’ve been coddling my hamstrings. In forward folds I had no idea how much I was rounding my back and releasing the stretch from the hamstrings. There was a lot of “Stop Sagging” thoughts going on too. It was entertaining that’s for sure, But not the normal, peaceful practice. I won’t leave the mirrors open again for a while but since I don’t have a teacher right now I’ll have to observe myself. And, Yes, I do internal observations and work to really feel my alignment, but sometimes I need an outside observer, even if it is myself.

The drive to learn, expand and grow. Lose this and we become stagnant, become complacent and Life ceases to exist.

Country Mornin'

2005-10-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

It was too beautiful not to take the motorcycle out this morning, even if it was only 34 degrees. I ordered a full face helmet yesterday and I'm really looking forward to it. My eyes were streaming tears within 30 seconds it was so cold.

I didn't get home until nearly 4 last night (this Morning...)as I got a bit lost trying to drive out of Queens. I had a great time with the Blonde Lady and her friends. They're the type of people I think I'm supposed to hang out with but I can't ever seem to find them in my world. I always seem to end up in places where my peers seem to average at least 15 years younger and 15 years older, never around my age. It makes for a much more "normal" conversation because these are people going through similar things as I am...
But getting back to how late I got in... and the cats missed the memo about the time change so I really didn't get that extra hour... So I figured if I was up I might as well cruise through the fall folliage at 55mph. Now, I just need to go find some caffiene before the work call starts.

Country Evenin'

2005-10-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

Practice with Gratitude

2005-10-28T08:51:00.000-04:00

Solitary practice today. I had no other intention than to be grateful for every moment of my practice. And it. Felt. Sooo. Good. There was a sense pf peace throughout my practice and an openness in my mind and heart that spread through my limbs. I wonder how I could ever have days where I think I don’t want to practice when there is always the possibility of having a day like today.

“Change your mind, change your life” was the mantra going through my head by the end of my practice. I know where this came from originally but why it came into my head today during practice and didn’t go away.... It just hovered behind every breath, every movement, every tight spot, every opening.

It's starting to get cold now. Lows near freezing, frost on the windshield, and the leaves are dripping with color. It's a good time to be alive.

And then there were Three

2005-10-27T20:04:00.000-04:00

I had my third yoga student start today. And then I think another two to three will be starting next week…and this is all word of mouth. I’m a little nervous if I actually make any kind of public announcement that I may get too many. I’ve definitely decided on Mondays and Thursdays, now I need to decide when I will practice on those days. I suppose I could try to get in at 5:00…

I’m trying very hard to find humility in my yoga and in my life right now. Things are going extremely well at work both with the students and my coworkers, almost too well. I seem to be gaining good popularity with the students and faculty without compromising myself, my classes, or production values on the shows. I’m just trying to be myself. I’m very flattered with my reception, especially considering how nervous I was at the beginning of the semester, but it’s almost too much. Too much fodder for the ego to feed on. Where’s SMN with a good ego smack when I need one? I’m very grateful for this response but I don’t want to take anything for granted. Plus I don’t want to start feeling all high and mighty because I know the Universe would give me a bigger smack down than even SMN. So, I will work at remaining observant of my blessings, grateful, and humble. And there’s always my yoga to keep me humble. I’m still enjoying moving back into my full practice and the tightness that is slowly releasing. I feel so much better on the days I get the full series in but I am accepting those days I can’t because I get to share this with other people with really great energy.

Weather permitting I’m hoping to take the Blonde Lady and some students climbing on Saturday but it may be too cold or wet. Then into the city Saturday night to celebrate the Blonde Lady’s birthday (November 1) and back bright and early on Sunday to work…
It’s a busy life, good, but busy.

Snow?

2005-10-25T09:22:00.000-04:00

It was a whirlwind weekend flying down to Florida on Friday night with the Blonde Lady, sleeping on an under inflated air-mattress so every time one of us moved the other would get rolled off the bed. Getting up bright and early to help get ready for my Dad’s wedding (which was lovely, he had a lot of really wonderful friends there and I was touched by the sincerity of the vows.) Then a brief visit with family and flew back into JFK and to the Blonde Lady’s apartment, set up her Ipod on her new computer, then late to bed and early to rise to hop on the train back to New Paltz. Strike went well, it took a little longer than I had hoped but it happened efficiently and most importantly, safely.

I was exhausted Sunday night and didn’t get to bed until after 10 (after 4 hours and 2 hours of sleep for the previous two nights) and I was extremely pleased with myself for making it in to practice yesterday at 6:30 in the morning. I wasn’t sure if anyone would be there and I was pleasantly surprised to find it was just me. I took my practice slow and controlled and made it all the way through the primary series; which I haven’t done since before my hiatus. It felt sooooo good. It was a really strange practice though. Hypersensitive… My emotions were all over the place for most of the standing, going from crying, to anger to giggling. Apparently I have some things I need to clear out of my system… but it was hypersensitive physically too. I could really feel movements interiorly. It felt like I could feel individual muscle fibers, all the fascia, the ligaments and tendons, even the movement of the head of the femur moving in the hip joint. It was really wonderful. If I could be that sensitive every day it would be very easy to really dig deeply into each pose. By the time I made it to the floor my emotional rollercoaster had subsided and I was just happy. Happy that I could be so sensitive, happy that my practice allowed for my body to process so much. After practice I had a very busy day. I would have liked to have written about my practice yesterday before I lost the details but it was not to be. The day was busy but good and I was tired from lack of sleep so the intention was to go to bed early… nope, not until 11:00. Then up early this morning and back in by 6:30. Spark Plug was here this morning so it was again a limited practice for me. I’m getting a schedule worked out so I can really help these guys and not lose my practice. Of course one wants to do Monday/Wednesday and the other wants Tuesday/Thursday… Maybe I’ll do Monday/Thursday.

The weather forecast said snow flurries tonight…Shit.

Strike Two

2005-10-21T08:47:00.000-04:00

Two this morning, one was a first timer…so not really a practice for me. But I’m still sore and tight from taking so much time off I’m sure my body needed the rest. And I still did nearly all the standing and finishing… It will be interesting to see where this leads. If I can get them comfortable with the series I can practice with them, otherwise I’m going to have to make some choices. A 4:30am practice is not appealing so I may just “teach” on two days a week and allow the other three to be my own time and then vary/shorten my practice on the teaching days.

Short day at work today and then off to Florida with the Blonde Lady for my dad’s wedding, then back tomorrow night and work on Sunday to strike the set… It’s going to be a busy weekend… I actually had a dream about strike last night (strike being where we tear down the set). In strike I’m in charge of 142 students and about 8 faculty members and I have to make sure that everything happens safely and quickly. In my dream I was sitting in the house of the theatre and I asked my boss what time it was. He said it was 8:00. well strike started at 4:45 so it should have been done and I looked down on stage and it almost was. But I didn’t remember any of it. I said “is strike done?” and he said “yes, but you did horribly and you were extremely rude to a lot of people.” “But I don’t remember any of it” and he starts giving me shit about how I did my job. I thought to myself that this must be a dream. I would never to a bad job nor treat people badly. I knew this wasn’t reality. But I couldn’t wake up. I just kept going through the motions of the next couple of days dealing with the aftermath of how horribly I had done my job. And I still couldn’t remember… How could I forget? How could I do so horrendously? And then I woke up and I had to think for a while whether or not this was real and it was two days after strike, or a dream………….

Water Color

2005-10-20T08:38:00.000-04:00

This morning looked like a badly painted water color. Not in that it was ugly but in that you wouldn’t believe it if someone painted it. The pinkish orange horizon washes up into the light blue of the morning sky and if you trace it to the west we just get darker and darker blues until you see the brightest, clearest moon you’ve ever seen. It reminds me of a clear winter night in Montana…

I practiced with Spark Plug this morning (so named for a small accident she had unplugging the welder…). She’s very flexible but has lacked a “structured” yoga/asana practice so we only made it through Suryas, standing and finishing. I thought she knew a bit more than she did but I’m not complaining. I had fun teaching again (teaching yoga is nothing like teaching college) and she has a wonderful energy and attitude. I didn’t explain and do adjustments for everything as I wanted to have something of a practice for myself and I didn’t want to overwhelm her, either. She did wonderfully and I think she’s planning on coming back… I think that I’ll start getting a few more people coming in to practice with me as well which will incorporate more teaching, less poses, but an opportunity to share yoga. Today I felt like there was more of an exchange or connection than I usually have when I’m just practicing with a couple of people at the open practice times at the studio. Maybe it’s because we’re friends. It’s the feeling I loved so much when I practiced in Buffalo and I don’t think I realized I was missing it until today. I was very lucky in Buffalo to have the teachers I had and the friends that I had (scratch that, both hads should be HAVES). I don't plan on losing any of them.

2

2005-10-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

Two days in a row! This morning was great but not without its trials and tribulations. Balance? What’s that? And my back body line was still super tight and to add to that it was sore from yesterday. But it was a little more open and the hips were much better today. The best thing about this morning, though, was the heart and mind. They were open and clear. Things came in and things went out, but I was there the whole time. The heart was grateful and the mind was gentle and my practice was perfect. Today I went up through Navasana before moving on to finishing (yesterday was only Suryas, standing and finishing) I didn’t see the point in pushing the back body further… and I think I can feel stiffness in my intercostal muscles…strange sensation.

Yesterday continued to be a lovely day with a nice slow pace but was very productive and it felt so good to go home while it was still light out. My guest lecture spot went ok, I talked for five minutes and then showed pictures for 15. Some of my regular students were in this class which made it a little easier but I was still nervous. You would think as a teacher I would like to get up and talk, but I think I prefer teaching to talking…

Here it is...

2005-10-18T08:12:00.000-04:00

I found my mat this morning. It felt good to be moving but man, am I tight. The entire backside of my body was insanely tight. From the Achilles tendon through the calves, hams, gluts, lower, middle and upper back and the neck. Forward folds were almost funny they were so limited. And of course my hips have tightened back up, too. I’m not surprised or disappointed. I’ve been pretty hard on my body the last few weeks so I’m just happy that it is responding. It will be interesting to watch it open up over the next few weeks. I was gentle with myself today and hope to remain that way. So between reestablishing my asana and moving back to some clean, wholesome food I’m looking forward to watching my body and mind respond.

I went to the yoga studio at 6:30 this morning but the door was locked so I ended up at the dance studio at school. It was a little weird being in there, new space and all, but it’s a great floor and heated so… and I am hoping to make this my main practice spot unless I’m at the studio for a class. I also want to try to get some people in practicing with me so I guess I should start recruiting.

Faculty meeting this morning (joy) and then this afternoon I get to guest lecture and tell people what a Technical Director does. I’m not really sure how to explain that or at least have it take longer than 5 minutes to explain. (I’m supposed to fill a half hour)

Clicked

2005-10-17T20:49:00.000-04:00

It’s been a long few weeks with the hours averaging around 100 each week. Everything finally slowed down at the end of last week and the show opened on Friday. I’m trying to think of what’s happened in the past couple of weeks but I had enough on my shoulders so I kicked that mouthy little observer off and put him to work… Kinda leaves me hanging on the memory aspect, though. The show turned out pretty well. I have to get back into the mindset that these are college productions and not professional but it’s going to take a little time. I think it was a boost in the quality level for here but there is still a ways to go.

Happily I’ve still been dragging my new little camera around with me so it keeps me looking for the beautiful parts of life. It’s a new twist for me, always looking for the beautiful. I have found my observance of the change of seasons to be much deeper and the subtleties of change strike a deeper chord and even in the midst of being overwhelmed at work I could find an appreciation for where I am both geographically and mentally. Thus the entry last Monday with my expression of gratitude to the universe. I really loved the comments…

I managed to work so hard and focus on one project at work so much that I’ve managed to get behind on everything else. Today and tomorrow are dedicated to digging myself out of that hole. It was a good day today and in my class I taught the information that I’ve been dreading all semester. Electrical Theory. Like I said earlier, it works in my head but not in my mouth. But I think it actually turned out really well. They asked questions and it was one of the most interactive classes I’ve had, but I’m quizzing them on Wednesday and if they don’t do well we are going through all of it again but hopefully from a different perspective that will make more sense to them.

This past weekend was lovely. The Blonde lady was up and REW and Hockey Chick came up for a day. We wandered the muddy pumpkin patch in gale force winds and then had a lovely lunch and then just some relaxed social time back at the homestead. I don’t entertain much so its been a real pleasure having rew and Hockey Chick up lately. Saturday the Blonde Lady and I took the bike out for a short cruise but it was a little windy so we didn’t stay out long. We stopped and explored a little waterfall swollen from all the recent rains. Fires in the fireplace both Saturday and Sunday evenings. The skies were really intense in color all weekend and made for some really cool views.

One last comment on the past few weeks…

I lost my asana practice and my eating habits became solely a source of caloric intake but I really think in all of it I found something in myself. I’m not entirely sure what yet, but I know something clicked. I’ve done the hours before, and I’ve pushed harder but I think I found/maintained an appreciation for life and a sense of gratitude that often becomes lost or taken for granted… Like I said, I’m not sure what, but something clicked and I think I like it…

Coming Soon...

2005-10-17T08:26:00.000-04:00

Survived... Now I'm ready to resume my life... whatever that may be. I'll write more later after I try teaching electical theory, oof... makes sense in my head but for some reason when it gets to my mouth it suddenly sounds like mush.

Got lots of good pictures over the weekend so I'll try to post one or two a day to keep it interesting...

Swimming Pumpkins

2005-10-09T18:13:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so we got a little rain...

Thank You

2005-10-09T08:44:00.000-04:00

For everything.

.

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering	5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,	10
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,
My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,	15
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,	20
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,	25
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.	30
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu.
Mein Irisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;	35
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,	40
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.

Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,
Had a bad cold, nevertheless
Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe,	45
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,
Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,
(Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)
Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.	50
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.	55
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:
One must be so careful these days.

Unreal City,	60
Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,
A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many.
Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,
And each man fixed his eyes before his feet.	65
Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,
To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours
With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.
There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying 'Stetson!
'You who were with me in the ships at Mylae!	70
'That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
'Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?
'Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?
'Oh keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,
'Or with his nails he'll dig it up again!	75
'You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!' The Wasteland, by T.S. Eliot