Wandering Mind

What a Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Well we’re off and running in the semester and at this point it’s just about keeping the head above water and the work out of the home.  Classes are good.  I actually got all the students up on the grid.  I was kind of surprised… usually one in five will avoid going up if asked to go up individually.   The show is fine if things would stop changing but Purchasing has put a serious crimp in our ability to buy things quickly; which is somewhat of a necessity in this business.  And of course the top of the semester also has thousands of little things that need to happen for people and for some reason most of them fall to me…

Practice was good this morning.  One of my students came in to join me and I think she wants to start coming in every day, which is fine by me.  The company sometimes makes it easier to get through.  We also helped each other out in Supta Kurmasana.  With help she was able to bind and she was able to get me closer to binding than I have ever been.  Next time I’m going to have her push my knees toward my shoulder with her feet.  My shoulders are too tight for smaller people to try to be gentle.  But it still felt incredible when I came out.  

And once again it was beautiful coming in this morning.  The sliver of a crescent moon in a clear dark blue sky.  The snow crunches under my feet as I walk to the car. And as I drive in, the clouds on the horizon go from a dark gray to having just the slightest hint of rose, I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me when I first noticed it.  I don’t know if I’ve ever noticed dawn coming so subtly.

Two digits in two weeks.  Smashed that is.  Last Monday I got my finger stuck in the locking mechanism of a dumpster and today I smashed my thumb when a 45 lb bar fell on it, pinching it against a steel plate…  Both are a pretty good size now but nothing broken.  The thumb business put a damper on my practice this morning so I didn’t get too far.  Yesterday and the day before were good practices but more on the restorative side.  I’m still trying to recover from last week.  

The week finished out well and I’m looking forward to doing it next year.  The one glitch was on Friday night I had to present an award to the school with the best load-in and load-out.  It was in front of a group of about 700 and I don’t do well in front of groups of 20… so, needless to say, I stuttered and stammered through; only getting lost in my thoughts TWICE (as in standing in front of 700 people not saying anything).   I felt like an idiot… But it was a wonderful ego check, so anytime I start to get frustrated/embarrassed when thinking about it, I just remind myself that it’s only a bruised ego.  The people I was presenting to didn’t care or found it humorous and it just looked like I wasn’t comfortable speaking to a large group… which I’m not.  So, once again, life conspires to keep me in line.

Monday was the first day of class and it felt like New Year’s day to me.  Just the chance to start it all again.  My class went well and I had to laugh when thinking about how nervous I was before my first class last semester.   All things through practice… no matter what you’re practicing.  Today I get to take the students up to the grid (the grid is the area above the stage where all the rigging is attached) to wander around on large metal bars that they can easily see through to the floor (45 feet below).  It should be a hoot.

Oh, and I’ve also made it to the gym the last two nights to get a little cardio workout in without destroying my knees.  It feels nice to blow the lungs out a bit.  Hope to keep it up and expedite the process of dropping the winter weight.

Why is it, when you’re exhausted, you actually have two extra hours to sleep, yet you still wake up at 5:00 and can’t go back to sleep. This morning when I woke up two hours early I was thinking about knots. And how to tie them. Actually how to show other people to tie them. As that’s what I’m doing tomorrow. And apparently I have a punctuation fetish. Eh, I’m tired…

Got home last night after my 17 hour day to find my motorcycle lying on it’s side in the driveway… apparently after I took it out last week I dropped the kickstand on a soft spot that was frozen and with the heat of the last few days it squishied up and I’m sure the windstorm yesterday didn’t help. No major damage but trying to pick up a 600lb. motorcycle after that long of a day kinda sucks.

The festival is going really well. Yesterday we had two really good productions. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and a new play called Minor Demons. Today is long but done by 11 and tomorrow it’s all over!

So far so good.  Other than the long hours it’s going really well.  The attitudes have been good and my students have been fantastic.  We are surprisingly well prepared for the influx of people and shows.  Today we start at 7:30 and we have two shows loading in and two loading out (last one loads out at 10:30/11:00).  It will be the longest day today but tomorrow may be the craziest when we have two shows loading in at once.  I think this week has been extremely beneficial for my students so they can see what other people do, good and bad, and it gives them a chance to do a lot of the work with repetition that we normally have to glaze over in the semester due to lack of time.    Oh, shit, I have a workshop on Friday.  I guess I need to get ready for that, too.   One thing that worries me tho, is my knee is killing me from going up and down stair.  I’m curious what it’s going to do to my practice (when I get one again).  

There are those people that, for some reason, always try to piss you and everybody else off. It's really hard sometimes to not take the bait and start an argument but that's my goal. I want to understand that it doesn't come from me, that I do not need to defend myself. I know that these are good people, and that I do the same things sometimes in moments of insecurity.

And so it begins. ACTF starts today in that our students will be coming back and we will start getting ourselves ready for the onslaught of 1200 theatre students from around the region who will be getting here tomorrow. I woke up this morning a little nervous and a little excited. (And a little in the dark; the power was out for a few hours last night due to this lovely weather coming through) I’m happy my students are coming back and one of the best things about going into something new is that, well, you’re going into something new; it’s a challenge. The hours will be long this week but I think I may be able to squeeze in a practice here and there. This week may be a picture week in the blog. (along with a few exclamations of frustration…) And, hey, I got a couple of free t-shirts out of it.

Yesterday was a lovely way to end my winter “break.” Spent the day over in Queens with the Blonde Lady and as usual, had a wonderful time. And winter is back…

I saw a deer get hit by a car today.  She caught her hindquarters on the headlight of the Toyota and was tossed end over end into the woods beside the road.  It wasn’t the driver’s fault, there were two deer and the first one bolted barely missing the car and the second didn’t get past.  I pulled over to see if the deer was ok, I didn’t see how she could be… she scrambled around for a few seconds… I was scared that she had broken her back… but then hopped up and ran off with the other deer who had waited for her just a few feet away.  And I tried not to cry.  I hope she’s ok.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts. -Richard Bach, Illusions

Every step has meaning. Every challenge is there because we need something from it.

Why is Sirsasana easy for me but Mari D seems impossible? Because I need to learn something from being in Sirsasana and from exploring the path into Mari D. Why did I have what I believed to be a horrible practice the other day so I got pissed off and ended early? So that I can understand that it’s ok to come back to my practice, that it’s ok to judge… I can forgive myself, this is not a one shot deal. Why do some joints hurt one day and not the next? Why do I float like a balloon one day and crash like the Hindenburg the next?

Why could I eat anything I wanted when I was younger with no consequences, but now I have this emotional escape into fatty foods and I just seem to keep packing on the pounds? Why have I created this form of escapism? Maybe because I know my ego won’t let me hide so I have to confront my issues… Maybe I don’t have a clue…

Every step is the right step, the necessary step to move me along my path. And there are those that walk beside us for a while, and there are those who are going a different path.

The only thing I really know, was that today, during my practice, it felt right to me.

It’s been a good week and I’m happy.  I listened to my body today and cut my practice short, it’s worked hard this week and that line was glaring at me, so I backed off.  I’m looking forward to the rest day tomorrow; I’m taking it off from practicing and the weights so the body should really have a chance to heal.  Lifting again has been fun.  I’m trying to keep it from getting too intense, so far so good.  

I was excited to see Pattabhi and Co. are coming but I have to admit I feel a little better since it’s been posted here.  However it didn’t stop me from canceling my morning classes that week in my syllabus when REW mentioned it a week ago!

I think my working from home is done for a while, I’ve got too much that involves interaction with other people.  It was nice while it lasted and it will be back in August and next Winter…

ACTF (American College Theatre Festival) will be here week after next (8 am to 1 am, 5 days straight.  Woohoo!!!) and then it’s into the semester full swing…  It sort of feels like a giant boulder at the top of a hill and it’s on it’s way down, slowly picking up speed and hard to slow down.  I think it would be easier to change the angle of the hill than try to control the boulder…  I suppose I could just jump on and go for a ride…

I fought it as best I could.  Tooth and nail – I did Not want to get on my mat.  I procrastinated for two hours because I didn’t want to “waste” two hours to practice when I could be getting lots of good work done.  I didn’t want to go outside, the studio was cold, etc., etc., etc… Why do I do this to myself?  I had the best, most blissful practice that I’ve had in ages.  I’m curious why, when something nearly always produces positive results, we (I) try to avoid it…  I know I keep coming back to this but I think one of the reasons it was so good today was the lack of music…  The ability to focus and be aware of  my Self… It’s really beyond words…  So I’ll stop talking about it.

I actually did get some work done yesterday.  Unfortunately I lost all desire to work when I yelled at the cat’s for knocking something over and the dog peed on the floor.  (She’s old…and has a nervous bladder…) and of course she was on the carpet instead of the tiled floor.   Cleaning up dog pee always kills my desire to work.  So I read a little in Light on Yoga and tried to get a little more of it to stick in my head, but sometimes I think my brain is Teflon coated.

But today is a new day – and nearly half over… I guess I should get back to it.

Working from home has its perks but if you lose that motivation… I’m enjoying being home due to winter break at school but I think I have more to do now than when school is in session.  I’ve told myself I’m going to have a productive day today so no excuses…  

Practice was good today.  Day 2 without the music.  I definitely think this is better for the mental and spiritual parts of my practice.  The lack of music allows my practice to be mindful instead of mindless.  There’s more of the voices and commentaries but when they go away for a breath or two or ten then my practice takes on a different quality.  Physically, today was challenging.  My shoulders gave out early and I’m not entirely sure why.  They were just exhausted about halfway through.  It made vinyasas a real trick and caused a bit of a face plant and roll when coming out of Bhuja Pindasana.  Chakrasanas were also more challenging, but I just kept going.  No skipping, no shortening (a little lard, but I’m working on that) I just kept working through each pose, finding the breath and relaxing into the pose.  My hips and knees are venturing into new territory, too.  Where did we say that line is???

And I love going to the grocery after practice.  I still impulse shop just as much as normal but instead of chocolate, pizza, or ice-cream I grab fruit, vegetables, and things that are actually good for me.

Ok, Work, Here I go, I’m really going to do it…

How fine is the line between pushing too hard and not pushing hard enough?  Obviously to hurt one’s self is pushing to hard but how close to that line are you supposed to go before you stop?  I don’t know…How do you even know where the line is?  I’ve hurt myself a few times in my yoga practice; hamstring, knees and shoulders.  Some from bad form others from surpassing my limit.  Now I have a tendency to stop once I get into resistance in a pose.  I can feel it… ok, I must be there.  I think one of the benefits of practicing with a teacher is that they see when you are at limits created by your mind, but as I’m currently practicing sans teacher, I don’t have that benefit.  I practiced with REW last week and a she helped me with a couple of things, both of which revealed to me that I’m not listening to myself as much as I should when I practice which was causing me to sell myself short.  

Another discovery I made today was that although I like listening to music when I practice, I think it may be drowning out my thoughts and my breath and my body’s voice.  I turned it off today and I found my practice to be much deeper.  I think I will still use it occasionally but maybe I’ll try cutting back for a while, see if I can observe that line instead of just assuming I’m somewhere close and backing off.

Woke up on Saturday and couldn’t figure out why it was so cold…oh! The furnace isn’t working! Oh, Shit! I’m out of propane!  Oh, Double Shit!  I’m supposed to check that?! So that’s how Saturday started.  The Blonde Lady and I built a fire in the fireplace to keep the heat going but the flue wasn’t open wide enough for the size fire we built so we set off the smoke detectors…  We skipped practicing to wait for the propane Guy to come fill the tank up and then headed into Queens to spend a quiet New Year’s Eve at her place (all signs led to the boys above me throwing a party).  The Blonde Lady made a wonderful stir-fry with peanut sauce and coconut rice and then we proceeded to pass out early (ok, well, I did) due to the possibility of getting up early and practicing with REW and Hockey Chick.  

We got up at 5:00 but, due to extenuating circumstances we didn’t practice in the morning but made plans to go over to their place in the afternoon.  We had a relatively leisurely morning, went back to bed and napped a bit, and then needed to head over to Brooklyn to look at a car for the Blonde Lady.  We were bringing the dog along with us as she was getting a little stressed in this new environment so we walked her for a bit to get her emptied out, hopped in the car and headed out… but…oh, dear…shit…yes, shit… someone stepped in it.  We had just gotten around the block and were almost back in front of Her apartment, we stopped in front of a bus stop to hop out quickly and clean our shoes and as I start to get back in… my door is locked… and the back door is locked… and every thing else is locked… shit! Shit! Shit!... and it’s running…and our cell phones are in the car… and the dog is in the car…  Outfuckingstanding!  So She runs back into her place (glad we didn’t get too far) and calls Ford’s roadside assistance.  30ish minutes later we’re back in and headed off to Brooklyn about an hour late.  We called REW and HC on the way to Brooklyn to beg out of our plans so as not to drag our cloud over their heads.  We did look at the car which turns out to not be what She was looking for but it gave us a better idea of what She was looking for so it was a worthwhile trip.  And then we headed back up here on a beautiful drive up the Taconic Parkway, had some lovely Sesame Tofu with garlic spinach and rice that the Blonde Lady so graciously cooked (Again!  She’s starting to spoil me…), watched some bad TV and then hit the sack…and listened to the thumping from above…  The sad thing is, it’s not that they’re being loud; it’s just that this house has horrible acoustics…  oof..

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!