Wandering Mind

The natural self, nature, the illusion that is my physical self. This was the thought of study as I moved through my practice today and it was beautiful. Thoughts were limited to the physical body, the bones, muscles; how they moved and felt and minute adjustments. And in limiting the observations to this, my practice was wonderfully deeper on every level. I could try to explain more but as I put it into words right now I seem to lose something, so I'll just hold it inside. and Smile.

Then there are those times when you practice next to someone who is an energetic black hole. Usually not through fault of their own, but because they are tired or stressed out or just "down" they tend to leach all the energy from those around them. I have found in these situations there are two options. To get defensive and have your energy slowly drained from you as you get more and more frustrated, or to realize you have enough energy to share with them no matter how much they need, plus a little extra for everyone else in the room. Today, I chose the first option. That's not to say I didn't have a good practice. I was able to focus and work on those areas that I've been wanting to deepen my understanding of, but by the time I made it to purvotannasana, citta vrtti was in full swing. I think it was worthwhile to have that experience as I was able to turn it into a point of understanding by the end of savasana and I didn't let it interfere with my physical practice, but it doesn't make it any more enjoyable during the process.

Now, if I could only pay as much attention to the positive things and learn from them like I do from the negative...

in time...

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering	5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,	10
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,
My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,	15
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,	20
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,	25
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.	30
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu.
Mein Irisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;	35
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,	40
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.
Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,
Had a bad cold, nevertheless
Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe,	45
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,
Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,
(Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)
Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.	50
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.	55
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:
One must be so careful these days.
Unreal City,	60
Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,
A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many.
Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,
And each man fixed his eyes before his feet.	65
Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,
To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours
With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.
There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying 'Stetson!
'You who were with me in the ships at Mylae!	70
'That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
'Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?
'Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?
'Oh keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,
'Or with his nails he'll dig it up again!	75
'You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!' The Wasteland, by T.S. Eliot

Well, back in the studio, back to my own practice. The Student came in this morning and we slowed down and worked through all the transitions. There's a part of me that really likes this stopping at Mari D. As I take a little extra time to deepen and understand that pose, it allows me to deepen and understand my whole practice before that pose. I have a feeling that this will change my practice significantly as it requires me to truly observe what I am doing and not move on until I have dissected it, understand it, and put it back together. And with the extra time I have from not doing the remaining poses it allows me to put that time into the others.


Yoga Sutra 1:18

By the firmly convinced practice of the complete cessation of the mental modifications, the impressions only remain. This is the other samadhi [asamprajnata or non-distinguished].

There are many things that one could pull from this sutra, for me, today, I found that the idea I most connected with was that in order to move on towards samadhi, I must understand myself more deeply in order to release the idea of the self, the "impressions" that still remain. Only through making the effort to understand myself will I realize what I am not.

With the spring weather, a magnificent week of yoga, spending lots of time with the Blonde Lady, hanging out with dear friends and making a few new ones, this has been a wonderful, wonderful week. The windows are open (finally) and the birds are singing and the sun is coming up and filling the apartment with its warm glow. It was so nice last night to drive through the swampy areas and hear the frogs singing again.

Slept in until 5:30 this morning, I got to the point this last week where 3:30 seemed like a normal/easy time to get up each day so I could make it to yoga by 4:45 (and I wasn’t the first one there…) But getting there early has it’s perks, like choice real estate where I plunked down my and REW’s mats in the front row while she worked the door. It’s not until you put yourself up front that you realize why it’s such a great place to be. The three things I got out of it were 1) the joy of practicing that close to Pattabhi. At first it’s slightly intimidating but you realize in watching him that he only wants you to do well and if it’s not coming today, it’s not coming today. There is compassion in his desire for you to understand yourself in your practice. 2) The wonderful people in the row. I really enjoyed talking with and getting to know (and practicing next to) Jody, Kathy, REW, Ilonka, and a few others whose names have unfortunately escaped me. And the energy of the people in that row was extremely supportive as we practiced, I found myself wanting/hoping that I was sharing my energy as much as they were. They were kind enough to invite me out to breakfast after Friday’s practice but I don’t think I could have made it back on time to work if I had gone, so maybe I’ll get a rain check… and last but not least 3)The relaxation of the ego. Being up there in front of Pattabhi and next to people with beautiful practices the desire to do your “best” is overwhelming. But in order for me to do my “best” I would have had to hurt myself. My knee and my shoulder never really felt good this week and I opted to not push myself in poses that would do damage and I was able to stick to that the whole week without getting down about myself and my practice. So while there is lots of room for improvement in many areas of my practice I was able to walk away feeling like I really did do my Best.

It was a lovely, exhausting week.