Wandering Mind

A-Packing we will go, A-packing we will go, Hi Ho the Merrio, A-Packing we will go...

Wow, did you read that last entry? That guy is a bit nuts... I guess it's good he's 33, enough teenage angst for 2.

Rained last night. I'm sure my lawn and flowers can use it. It was nice to have it cooler to sleep, too. Hopefully I can get everything packed up today so tomorrow is just truck loading. I need to go get boxes. Practicing?... Playing by ear, I think. Still don't feel too hot. Well, it's hot, so well, don't feel too well.

So how low do you have to get before you hit bottom? Holy Fuck I hate this. I was really looking forward to practice tonight but once I got there I felt like shit. My shoulders started hurting, then my knees, then my back, then the nausea kicked in… So I left. I didn’t make it through last nights class assisting Beth, either. I was feeling absolutely useless so I split. I taught on Saturday and Sunday but didn’t practice Sunday or yesterday. I have managed to gain 10 lbs. in 4 days but I’m not eating much so I’m assuming it’s water. It’s been horrifically hot lately and it seems to get hotter in my house than it is outside. I went to bed at midnight last night and it was 88 degrees downstairs and had to be around 95 upstairs. It’s cooler tonight, thank god. I don’t know if this is physical, mental, emotional… but I know I’m about ready to loose my shit. Last night after I left the studio I just got really down on myself and my situation. I’m currently less than enthused about my new job but I’m sure that will change once I’m there but this month off from work and trying to sell my house and getting ready to make a huge rent payment plus a house payment until I unload this thing… I was trying to explain it to a friend last night and she kind of blew me off and basically said everything will be fine in a month… but she didn’t listen to me or what my problem was... and I am currently and will be financially fucked for a while and even if I do sell my house for what I’m asking it will be a loss… the cats are turning into a pain in the ass and have broken more things in the last week than in the last 6 months. And my fuse is so short right now I’m not even sure I have one… AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last time for everything... I officially have less than a week left in Buffalo, so everything I do that is day dependent is the last time for each. Sigh...

Resisting Temptation. It’s hard but it’s good for you. I’m having a serious ice-cream craving but I know if I go to the store I’ll get pizza, too. And then we end up back at the too full for bandhas fiasco. But to satisfy my craving without packin’ it in I made myself a thick and creamy and really cold protein shake. It’s not quite ice-cream, but it does the trick (and it’s not 1,200 to 2,400 calories like there would be in the pint of ice-cream and a 1,500 calorie pizza I would probably get, too).

And speaking of bandhas; they were back today and boy were they helpful. It was my last (you'll probably be seeing that word a few times in the next week...) Friday at 4 and it was just me for the first half of my practice before Carrie showed up. It was nice to have a little time to move my practice away from my friends here without doing it cold turkey. I’m getting much better about not having expectations going in to my practice and I seem to enjoy my practice more and I think my practice deepens on the spiritual, mental and physical level. The Spontaneous hand stands were back tonight and I think it was largely due to the bandha revival. I went into handstand in every vinyasa up to navasana and most of them (2/3) were strong and balanced and I could hold them for more than a breath. And about half of them I could, from handstand, bend my knees then bend at the hips and swing through to the next pose. It felt so good to feel and see something change in my practice. I too often just notice when I’m stuck. During navasana when one might try to go into handstand I just went into a tripod sirsasana instead. That turned out to be a bigger shoulder workout than I would have expected so the handstands were done for the most part after that. I did have a couple of 4 breath handstands near the end… Most of my other poses felt really good, too. My knees were a bit tender so I didn’t push them. I felt like I wanted to go further in supta kurmasana but I think I would have needed an assist so right after that pose I worked yoganidrasana for a little while. I was able to take my knees further back on my shoulders than usual and the feet came a little further onto the back of my head.

My hamstrings always feel so tight, too, but I’m noticing they seem to be getting longer. My right one is still recovering from the pull/tear a year and a half ago. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of my tightness in my hips, knees and hamstrings stems from something mental that I’m not releasing or dealing with so it will be interesting to see if I can release my self from those joints and muscles maybe it will allow the old mental issues to release, too. I’m looking forward to straight legs one day in tittibhasana and kurmasana.

I noticed today that I usually seem to go into utthita hasta padangustasana with… a very strong dislike, shall we say… for the pose. I think my hamstrings frustrate me. But today as I was feeling this dislike before the pose I realized I needed to make it a pose that I did like so I backed off a bit and didn’t worry about how straight my lifted leg was. I know it will be easily straight one day and I was able to enjoy the pose today. It made me think back to about a year ago when I couldn’t even hold my toe in that pose… I also realized that I’ve made a lot of progress in all my poses and my practice as a whole in the last year. It gives me faith for the future. So here’s to a future with Faith but no expectations.

It’s nice to know that it is possible to have a good practice with no energy. Usually when my energy is down I walk out of practice even more down on myself. Tonight I was feeling pretty good on my way to the studio but as soon as I walked in the door my energy just went kaput. But I went into my practice with the intention of accepting my low energy and just allowing my practice to be what it was. I slowed down a bit and took a little extra time to get into some of the poses. They all felt really good and I think I was able to get a little deeper in some because I took more prep time. One odd thing was the spontaneous handstands in my vinyasas. When I jump forward sometimes if my hips are high enough it’s easier to go into a handstand and then lower down and swing the legs through. Some days I intentionally try to do this and other days it just sort of happens. Today was one of the sort of happens days. But the amazing thing was the amount of balance and ease I felt in handstand. The one time I really tried to do it and had a concern about the outcome it was not pretty. One thought on the handstands. If my prana was low then there was a good chance I had more apana which is much more of a rooting energy which may have allowed for a stronger foundation (this is something I’m just starting to learn/understand). And my Uddiyana Bandha was back tonight and I always get a better lift with that. So I guess what I was/am trying to say is my energy sucked but class was still great.

On a side note –if what we perceive as a low energy class could be a low prana class, the apana could be quite strong… it could then be a very good class for working rooting poses.

I think I mentioned a while ago that the Ashtanga Studio in NP might have Mysore classes. I had since learned that they didn’t really take off so they stopped doing them… BUT! I just got an email saying they are going to start doing them again on Tuesdays and Thursdays! This is good! I also have someone coming to look at the house tomorrow afternoon who is looking to buy quickly… wouldn’t that be nice.

I leave for NP a week from tomorrow.

Oh, practice felt so good tonight. I wanted to do arm balances as soon as I entered the studio, but, alas, that was not in the cards. I joked before class that we should do 108 surya A’s. The key word there was JOKED. After about the 8th one M was nice enough to point out that I requested the sun salutations. After 12 she allowed us to move on. I wouldn’t have minded trying it but I think I might have been seriously injured by my fellow yogis after class if we had done all 108. The cool thing about the 12 we did do was that my floating back felt strong for all of them. I seem to be building up some good shoulder strength and I pressed my hands down more when floating forward and was able to land much more gently. I think that’s something that would be really good to keep in mind. It should really help with the core strength to lift up into handstand vs. jumping. We did lots of hip opening tonight and my hips really felt good. Actually all my poses felt good tonight. I allowed myself to be in the poses instead of doing the poses. I was also able to just let the rest of the world fade into the background. That Yoga Matrix by Richard Freeman has been absolutely fantasmic. Just listening and absorbing what he’s been saying has just… I don’t really know how to say it… I think on top of that, and the new YJ, and a couple other things I’ve been reading I have really felt a great universal connectedness today. On top of that is my looking for and accepting change… allowing things to be what they are and appreciating them for what they offer, and giving back what I have… Sorry, I’m rambling. I have a bit of a yoga buzz and I’m feeling a bit sentimental and grateful for everything that so many wonderful people have taught me and shared with me. Particularly the wonderful people at EMW.

Ok, got to go. Just getting cheesy sentimental now.

Oh, speaking of cheesy. Uddiyana Bandha was back but not great and I caught a glimpse of mulabandha once or twice but it was short lived and pretty weak. But I ate light today so we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Somehow I let myself get sucked into practicing at 6 am… I guess I should go to bed.

So I’m coming to understand something about my bandhas that may seem elementary to some but it is actually a great revelation for me and yet it’s very simple. I have a tendency to overeat sometimes and this fullness seems to have an obvious immediate effect on mulabandha and uddiyana bandha by just packing everything so tight that the bandhas can’t be engaged. I think it might even have an affect on jalandhara bandha as often when we are full you feel something in the throat that is almost the same sensation as the fullness in the body. And by fullness, I’m not talking about a simple contentedness, but more of an over-full sensation. And I’m realizing the affect that the bandhas (or lack thereof) have on my practice both in the asanas and in my life practice. There is a strength and upliftedness (for lack of a better word) that seems to exist when I’m eating well but I lose that when I overeat, even if what I’m eating is healthy. As I mentioned, loss of bandhas immediately following the large meal is not surprising. What I’m coming to realize is that a big meal can affect my practice for 24 to 48 hours. This may be a great break-through for my eating habits as I have curbed many things in my life that adversely affect my practice so if I can implement more control over my overeating I might be able to kick a bad habit I’ve had for a very long time. I think I knew that there was a correlation between the two, but I think it just clicked in my brain the profound effect one has on the other.

Practice update: Was a good practice yesterday. I went into the studio in the morning before I had a chance to really wake up and talk myself out of practicing. I wasn’t super motivated so I put on the music and didn’t count my breathing. I think that is something I need but sometimes it’s too much and I don’t want to feel like I can’t practice if I’m not doing everything perfect. I did pay more attention to my breathing and tried to keep each breath long, but I didn’t count. I did three sets of Urdhva Dhanurasana from the floor and then used the wall for three more up and drop-backs. I didn’t have the strength and lift in my legs that I have had recently and it wasn’t until I was writing this that I realized it was because I didn’t have much in the way of bandhas. I ate way too much the night before…Damn! I’m glad I figured this out now. So here is the experiment. I ate too much again last night so I’ll just observe my bandhas tonight in M’s Class but I’ll eat well and lightly today and see how my bandhas and practice are affected tomorrow and I’ll do the same tomorrow for Thursday… I’m so easily amused…

Looks like a beautiful day, gorgeous moon last night. And I think today is the summer solstice (would be a good day to sell a house!). I’m off to build furniture for a bit, meet a friend for coffee, build a little more, then mow the lawn, take a shower and off to the studio for a bandha observing practice. This looks like a fun day! Oh, and I’ve been listening to Richard Freeman’s Yoga Matrix this morning which has been really interesting (I just listened to section 1) but I found my mind would run off on tangents and I had to back it up to hear everything he said. The bandha realization was one of my tangents…

And it takes a looonggg time.

Friday at 4, one of the last ones. It’s the one time when it seems like a few of us can usually get together and practice outside of class. I’ve come to really look forward to these. Next week will be my last one (sniff). More often than not my main intention going into my Friday practice is being grateful for wonderful friends that give me the gift of their practice. I usually try to open myself up as much as possible and give away as much energy as possible. I never walk away with less than I came in with…

I do sometimes have sub-intentions and today was Breathing. Inhale, 2, 3, 4. Exhale 2, 3, 4. That was my goal for my practice today. I didn’t go into any postures and worry about how deep I got or how my alignment was. Just - Inhale, 2, 3, 4. Exhale 2, 3, 4. Five full breaths in each pose. That’s a lot harder than I expected it to be. I knew my breathing was quick but this about killed me. I have to admit it was great for my practice. While focusing on my breathing and counting I felt my body align itself. All the things I normally consciously do slid into place one by one as I just held the pose and continued to breath. And the extra amount of time in each pose allowed me to deepen without pushing. I was amazed at the amount of concentration it took to keep my breath. If I stopped paying attention I would catch myself going inhale(1), 2, exhale(3), 4. or I would sneak in half inhales in the middle of an exhale. I could really see this having a profound effect on my practice and I would like to continue this focus in my practices outside of class. I think that the focus on the breathing also really helped me to go inside myself. Other than the occasional thoughts that I was suffocating I found my mind extremely clear.

The drawback to the slow count breathing was that after 90 minutes I had just hit navasana. I didn’t want to be there all night and I felt like I got a lot out of my practice so after navasana I did my sandbagged utanasana drill and then the finishing poses. I did 3 urdhva dhanurasanas from the floor and then did four more dropping back and standing up with the wall assist. I really like back bends and I feel like my upper back is really starting to open. Sirsasana with the alternate hands again really worked the shoulders so I think I’ll stick with it a while, too. So breathing, backbends, and shoulders in sirsasana…I think I’ll try to keep those in the forebrain and let everything else just come into place on it’s own for a while. However, on those days when I want to get completely through the series I may have to cut the breathing to a 3 count.

Lots of cleaning again on the house today. The windows are actually see-through! We did some yard work, too so hopefully it won’t take long to get it ready tomorrow morning for the open house in the afternoon. Think good house selling thoughts for me tomorrow afternoon so I can sell this thing quick and painlessly! I promise to send good vibes to anyone that helps.

Picture, if you will, doing it differently. To bring change into your person and your practice. In fact, to change how you change your practice. This was the theme of tonight’s practice, and yes, as you can guess from my lack of whining, it was a good class. I went into tonight’s class with an open mind, and a willingness to try to do and think differently than my norm, not because there is anything wrong with my practice, but because in not being open I am missing opportunities and I’m making myself unhappy. And interestingly enough, Beth had the same intention for the class. (Incidentally, I stole the change how you change line from her). I really enjoyed the class coming at it from that perspective. I found I was really able to use the variations and the lengthened poses to really deepen my practice. I found myself looking at many of the poses differently tonight. I stayed focused on many details of each pose and if I couldn’t adjust myself any more I focused on lengthening the breath. I found a subtle deepening in many of my poses and a couple not so subtle deepenings. In urdhva Dhanurasana I could really feel my upper back open and my shoulders released more so I was able to take my chest further through (I don’t know really how to say that). Bhujapidasana felt good tonight, too. My knees were about as high on my shoulders as I think they have ever been. I also worked the pincha mayurasana arms again in sirsasana. I really have to focus to keep my hands out and elbows in but I really think it will pay off in many poses if I just keep working that strength and flexibility. My mind wandered off in savasana a little and I realized I only had two more classes with Beth and two more with Maria and then I’m done here. Got a little choked up thinking how hard that last savasana is going to be.

My mom is here visiting now. She came to help deep clean the house in exchange for private yoga classes. I think I got the better end of that deal. We got through the sun salutations and the standing series today. She did really well and her alignment was impressive. Kinda weird teaching my mom yoga but it turned out to be a lot of fun.

Ok, I gotta go. Darwin the cat has decided I’m supposed to be paying attention to him and not the computer so…Good Night!

Note to self: Skip the veggie burger and fries before practice… I ate a little to close to practicing so it added a few challenges into my practice. For one, trying to find anything that closely resembled uddiyana bandha and I didn’t even bother with twisting or revolves past standing. My focus was good tonight for the most part. I turned the music off again, I think I’m a bit too dependent on it for rhythm, drive, something… and I need to lengthen my breathing a bit. Sometimes it’s good but it can disappear quickly.

The other challenge tonight was starting my practice just before 8:00 which is late for me. As I wasn’t doing all the poses I skipped around a bit and added a few core strengtheners, did a couple of drills. I think to help with keeping my elbows in I’m going to do sirsasana with pincha mayurasana arms. I tried it tonight and it was a good challenge and I know it’s something I need to work on. I also played with folding in and out of uttanasana while holding a sand bag over my head. I think that may really strengthen my core and lengthen and strengthen the hamstrings. Anyway, it felt good tonight.

After my internal episode two weeks ago I’ve been trying to be less attached to my expectations when I go into the studio. I found it to be helpful in last night’s class although we were warned it would be a strengthening class before hand. Tonight I was supposed to meet a couple people to practice with so I went in with the idea of mixing a little energy, commenting on occasion (it was really the only reason I practiced so late. Otherwise I would have practiced earlier). They weren’t there when I got there so I did my meditation, still not there, and instead of being disappointed I looked at it as an opportunity to practice in silence, slowing and deepening my practice. So I start into Surya A and I’m in downward dog of the third one when in they come… so I thought "Damn them! Why can’t they be on time!" Just kidding… I was extremely happy they made it and I found a happy medium as it gave me the opportunity to stay deeper in my practice while still sharing energy with others. Finding balance and being flexible… sounds like yoga to me. Oh, speaking of balance. As I mentioned I was a bit tired and a bit bloated from dinner so when I got to utthita hasta padangustasana I didn’t want to do it…At All… so I said to myself "Self, you don’t want to do this, which means you need to do this, so do it." And not only did I do it, after I got through the pose on both sides I went to the shelves and used them as a stationary spotter and took the pose even deeper. I was quite pleased with myself and my hamstrings felt pretty good, too. Ok, I’m rambling now. Good Night!

That was a good class. What makes it a good class? I don’t know… It just was. What makes a piece of art a masterpiece vs. recycling? Sometimes it’s just hard to put your finger on it. It was challenging, but not exhausting and didn’t commit me to repeated failures. I deepened poses I didn’t know much about and I know more about them than I did. We worked a little second series tonight in class. And once again I was sweating buckets. My hips felt really open tonight, would have been fun to try supta kurmasana or yoganidrasana. We did some pincha mayurasana drills, too. Lovely representation of the need to continue core strengthening. And opening the shoulders. And keeping the elbows in. Maria had us do a prep for krounchasana which really opened the bent leg up for me and allowed me to go more fully into the pose without having to sit on a block like I usually do. My attitude was better tonight and I’m sure that makes for a good class, too. I wasn’t a sniveling little shit like I was in last Thursday’s class. I about did a face plant during the Surya B’s. I was trying to lift my feet up before I float back and one time I didn’t get my left foot up and if the feet don’t go back, the body goes forward… I apparently had a hard time telling my left from my right at times, too. At a couple of points everyone was going one way whilst I unknowingly felt the need to express my individuality so I was going the other way…but over all it was a great class. Why? Who cares, it just was. Now if you’ll excuse me while I try to remember something.

If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. One more. If I don’t pull my elbows in, they won’t come in. Ok, I think I got it.

Practice was good. I slowed it down, focused on the breath and the bandhas. I feel a little more centered than I did. I can’t say I’m super enthused or bouncy happy, but I feel better. Urdhva Dhanurasana was a little tight today but the legs felt good in it. I did 3 rounds from the floor and then used the wall to come up and down twice. Floating back to Chaturanga Dandasana is still going well and didn’t wear me out tonight like it had been. Supta Kurmasana was good, too. My fingers almost touched today and my left foot was working up on to my head a little. I was also able to get into lotus in a couple of poses but I didn’t push it as I really don’t want to damage that knee. I’ve got the rest of my life to get these poses so I don’t need to prove anything to myself now. And if anything it can be more of a challenge some days to not do a pose or take it further… I did have a bit of trouble sticking with my focus. I found myself creating arguments in my head with people who weren’t around nor had they done anything wrong. Yeah, got to work on that focus thing. It actually got better as the practice continued so something was working.

Assisting the class this evening was a bit more of a challenge. Sometimes people are so far out of a pose you really can’t help get them closer. And the one poor woman whose practice was really strong tonight got more assists than I’m sure she wanted because she was doing so well I just wanted to help take her a little higher. I forced myself to leave her alone finally but it was tough.

So, here’s to a good nights sleep with a cool breeze and a light rain and then waking to a beautiful day tomorrow.

I’m having one of those days where if I were in a better mood everything would be fine, but because I’m in a funk everything is frustrating as hell. I have a furniture client that I’ve been working with for two years on different projects and they have all gone just fine. But recently on these last projects I was/am doing for her before I move she has brought in a friend who is an interior designer and everything has become a committee project. She’s a very nice lady as is her interior designer friend but today this is really rubbing me the wrong way. If I didn’t need the money I would seriously think about canceling the job and save myself the head-ache. And probably tomorrow I won’t have a problem with any of it. And just adding to it is that everything I’ve tried to do today just isn’t working quite right. I am definitely getting a full practice in this afternoon and hopefully it will straighten my brain out a bit. I know all of these frustrations are really in my head but that really doesn’t make them any easier to deal with.

It feels like it’s coming together. I had my first meeting with the real estate agent yesterday and that went really well. Thanks to Mel and Beth we got the house all cleaned up and ready to be seen and appraised. They even ventured into the hell that WAS my basement and actually made it presentable.

Class was good yesterday. Maybe a little to hot for some but I felt like the heat could be useful. Energy was a little odd but I couldn’t tell if it was mine or theirs, it felt like it may have been mine but sometimes I reflect the energy of the students. I think I need to work on evening out my pacing in a few poses, too. My practice the last two days has been less than stellar. I tried both days to get in and practice before class but ran out of time both days and this morning I was really dragging. It was really hot last night so I may have been a bit dehydrated and I was really stiff. I think yoga has killed my ability to drink. I had two or three drinks on Friday night and two glasses of wine last night which is more than I’ve had in the last month. I think that may have had a small hand in my less than energetic practice this morning. I don’t know how I feel about that…

My class this morning was great. One of the major complaints people have about practicing in the heat is that they can’t breathe so I worked poses today that tend to constrict the breath and had them play with Uddiyana Bandha and a few other things to allow them to breath more easily in the constricting poses. We focused on opening ourselves to allow breath when at first it doesn’t feel easy. I also asked them to focus on the feelings they had when the breath was blocked or constricted and how it makes them feel. Hopefully they’ll be able to translate it to their lives so if the feel anxious or confined they might allow themselves to breath. The poses we focused on for breath impediment were Marichyasana C, Urdhva Dhanurasana (we also did some back bending with blocks), Halasana, and Karnapidasana. Couple other things we touched on were Sirsasana and trying to put the “float” in floating forward. I think it really clicked for a couple of them. It’s such a great class; I’m really going to miss teaching it when I go.

Big party weekend. Lissa’s party was Friday night and it was a lot of fun and very laid back. I’m not a big partier so it was perfect for me. Good friends (who I’m realizing I will miss horribly), good conversation, good food, good drinks and a fire. What more could I ask for? I realized, too, that some of these people I feel so close to I have never really seen away from the yoga studio. I think now I should have spent more time with them. They are really amazing people. Last night was the party at the studio. It was a lot of fun too. It’s always good to know that people care(d) about you and you affected them in a good way.

Got the bike out today, too. I needed to return a couple of movies and I didn’t feel like wasting all the gas with the guzzler so I hopped on the bike. Just figured it would be a short trip and back… Felt so good to riding I hopped on river road and cruised up and down the Niagara River. It’s a lot cooler going 60mph by a river than sitting still. Who needs air-conditioning when you’ve got a motorcycle. I haven’t ridden it much because they’re actually kind of hot in stop and go traffic because you get all the heat from the pavement. I forgot that it’s a bit cooler at 60! I can’t wait to get it out on the roads around NP!

There's something amazing about the morning after a night of storms. Everything feels and smells so clean and there is a tension release, like the earth has relaxed. I slept really well last night in spite of the heat. We had a beautiful thunderstorm com through last night about 1:00. Lightning was hitting in my neighborhood which made it a little hard to sleep. I stood at the window and watched for a while but was too tired to stay there long. It made me happy to see all the rain. My yard and flowers were in dire need of a long drink.

Went to a bikshtanga class last night. It was Beth’s Ashtanga class but it was insanely hot. We talked her into doing the full primary (Thank you!) and the heat was really intense. I had to roll out my rug during surya namaskara A and I usually don’t roll it out until we hit seated. My muscles and joints love that heat but my brain and stomach are still trying to get on board. I also push a little too hard at the beginning so I’m pretty much tapped by the finishing sequence. I’ve having an interesting experience floating back to chaturanga dandasana in surya namaskara A & B. I think I’ve developed a little more strength and as I fold forward I plant my hands, and I can lift my feet and slowly lower to chaturanga dandasana and hover for just a second before I set my feet down. It’s really cool but I think it may use a little too much energy too early. But I figure I’ll just keep getting stronger and gain more endurance so… It really was a good shoulder night, last night. I was playing a bit with pausing in my jump/float forward to seated. I would hover briefly in a handstand with bent legs before I would bring my feet through. I’ve been able to do this for a while but last night I could hold it with more control than usual. The knees felt really good last night, too. I’m so glad they’re healing; I just need to be careful.

Ok, so really, I will finish the kitchen today. I got a lot accomplished yesterday and I just need to install the molding and cut, paint and install a piece of trim above the back splash. Then I desperately need to get the house cleaned up before the real estate agent gets here tomorrow… Lissa’s party tonight, real estate agent, teach class and yoga party tomorrow, and teach again on Sunday… busy weekend.

Some days you just struggle through your practice wondering what you’re doing it for. But you persevere; you give your practice to those who need the energy more than you right now. So as not to cheat them you do every pose, every vinyasa. It’s not the prettiest practice you’ve ever had. It’s definitely not the most graceful but you find strength in the energy you are releasing. You even find you can hold a couple poses a little longer without seemingly needing energy. Then once you make it past uth pluthi and flow through your last vinyasa, being proud of yourself for not skipping it, you lie down in Savasana. Allowing the mind to clear, you almost forget the question of why. Then you stretch the arms up over head, reach the legs out long, then curl up on your right side, supported by the earth. Eventually you make your way up to an easy seat, your eyes are still closed, your breath is soft and even, and your heart is open. You thank your self for coming to your mat. You thank your friends and teachers for sharing in the give and take of energy. You quietly say Namaste under your breath because there’s no one there to hear it but you still say it, to yourself and to those you love. And then you open your eyes and realize why you do it. To see the beauty in all things.

It was a long, hard day and I didn’t want to practice so I knew I needed it. And it turned out pretty good. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep going after Navasana and I thought about skipping a pose or two. Then I decided I could wait until I was really tired and couldn’t share any more energy with anyone, then I could skip. Didn’t skip. I practiced on my back deck and it was about 85 and sunny but there was a great breeze and the windchimes and the ipod sang me through my practice.I wish I had a digital camera. It was a really pretty view when I opened my eyes after my practice. I took some pictures on my 35mm and I’ll post them with a link back to this entry once they’re developed.

Good day on the home front. I got a lot more done on the kitchen floor and should have it finished tomorrow along with the new woodwork. Might even get a coat of paint in there, too. But we’ll see.

I haven’t sweat that much at yoga since the Bikram days. I love getting that hot in a practice. Everything opens up and flows so smooth. Maria led the full primary tonight minus Marichyasana B& D and It was HOT. I was a little dehydrated going in and I had a vitamin water right before class so about the time I hunker down in Supta Kurmasana I thought I was going to hurl. Other than that and having the same sensation in Karnapidasana it was a lovely practice. She counted some of Surya Namaskara A in Sanskrit which really made me smile because it took me back to Pattabhi in New York. It was exactly what I needed after a day like today.

I got quite a bit done in getting everything ready for the overhaul of the kitchen, and I think I should be able to get most of it done tomorrow and finish on Thursday and put my kitchen back together. Currently I have pulled everything but the cabinets, fridge, and stove out. Tomorrow I fix all the crappy drywall and go over most of the floor with a wire wheel on a grinder and clean up all the slate tiles. It’s going to make a lot of dust. So that was the good part. The bad part of today – the gas bill I got for $638! To put on top of the $240 I had to pay the foot doctor for my orthopedic inserts… I am officially broke and praying the unemployment check gets here on Thursday… OK so I’m starting to see the downside of being unemployed. But I still have a couple of furniture projects that will bring in some cash and I get the full amount for the unemployment. It will all be good. It was a big shock to get that gas bill, though. They’ve been estimating my meter for the last seven months and now that they finally checked it…

Now I’m going to bed to sleep deeply and contentedly and I will send out a little energy to someone who allowed me to start my day happily today with beautiful words and might be able to use a little extra. Thank you!

One of the best things about moving is when you email out all of your new information to just about everyone in your address book some people that you haven’t spoken to in years contact you to say hi. I really need to do a better job of staying in touch with people. A simple email every couple of weeks isn’t hard to do. It’s a goal; we’ll see how I do.

On the Ashtanga Front: there may be some good news about New Paltz. I was digging around looking for some random bit of information when I found a posting for the Ashtanga studio in NP and it looks as though they have Mysore classes every Thursday through Monday morning but they just aren’t advertised… So I emailed the studio and am waiting for their response. How great would that be? The studio is about half way between my new apartment and work (which is less than 10 minutes by itself) classes start at 7 so I could be awake by the time I start and still be at work by 9. But… I haven’t heard back yet so they may not still do them. Can’t get too excited yet.

And the House Front: I got a little reprieve from painting yesterday. It was too windy and Sears was out of the paint I needed anyway. I finally got myself motivated to do something so I cut the grass and then started sanding down some molding for the kitchen. At least I did something. Today I want to finish the molding and get it installed and work on the drywall in the kitchen which would make tomorrow ***Finish the Kitchen Day.***I’ve only been avoiding that one for three years.

Low energy yesterday in my practice but I made it through without skipping anything. Some days perseverance has to be my intention. Played with backbends and strong legs yesterday and my back didn’t freeze up on me this time. I think the way backbends constrict the breathing really affect our (my) apprehension in the pose. But it’s still moving along. I’m curious what Maria will work tonight in class.

Finally! A productive day in the attempt to get my house ready to sell. I painted the front and back decks. Brown. Ok, so they’re a little dark, but I was used to the raw wood color. The house is brown after all, so at least they match. Sort of. But they will as soon as I paint the house and garage. Oiy, I opened a can of worms with this one. But the house and garage will definitely go faster and at least I won’t have to hold an electric paint sprayer over my head while I’m doing those. Latex paint burns when you get it in your eyes. Hot today. High 80’s. The furries are sprawled all over the place just trying to stay cool. Good day to work and sweat!

Yoga was good today. My practice was short but effective. I really was just trying to build up some heat and see if I could get whatever was holding tight in my back to release. It did a little but it really did today working out in the sun. My wrists and shoulders felt really good this morning and I was really wanting to do handstands and pincha mayurasana but it really wasn’t what my body needed so I held back. I was able to use that energy in my class today. We worked a lot on our vinyasas and jumping forward and back. It’s helpful to show those things in slow motion if possible and with my shoulders feeling as good as they did I was really able to slow it down. Mel assisted this morning so I double checked that I wasn’t seeming showoffy. She claimed that it wasn’t but she may have just been trying to be nice. Wonderfully strong energy this morning. Big switch from yesterday afternoon, but there were more people today than yesterday. But they had a really good focus for the whole class.

I guess tomorrow I should contact a real estate agent. I don’t know why I keep procrastinating with that. One more hassle that I’m trying to avoid, I suppose. Stopped by the theatre to make some baseboard for the upstairs hall. It was a little weird being there after being out for a week and the fact that I don’t work there anymore. A lot of projects going on that I had no clue what they were. I guess I’m really on the way out. Maybe tomorrow I can paint the house and garage. Need to buy a couple of gallons of paint first. Don’t know when I’m practicing either. Might go right before assisting Beth’s class, maybe the morning…don’t know, I’ll have to see when other people are practicing.

Good Practice Today. I had some balance issues early in my practice but it really smoothed out when I hit the floor. I was really able to build heat which sometimes I have a hard time doing when practicing by myself. I think my breathing was stronger today so I’m sure that helped. Swinging through to jump back and my jump throughs to seated were much stronger today, too. The heat always helps my shoulders but I had a better focus (drishti) and I engaged Uddiyana Bandha the way I know I’m supposed to. Setu Bhandasana gets easier every time I do it. It actually feels good to have straight legs now and I feel absolutely no strain on my neck rolling back. I was a lot better in the butt balancing poses, I think I engaged Uddiyana Bandha better in those, too…hmmm, I think I see a pattern developing. Janu Sirsasana B is actually getting harder for me now because it doesn’t hurt anymore. I used to know I had my heel in the right spot because it hurt, now it doesn’t so I have to spend more time finding the right spot. The knees felt better today, too. But I was smart enough not to push too far with them or they’d be back to their painful ways. Urdhva Dhanurasana really tweaked me today. After talking with Maria the other day I realized I wasn’t engaging my legs nearly as much as I needed. I focused on engaging the hamstrings and the quads and I could feel a great lift in my back. However my back doesn’t feel like it wants to straighten back out. I’ve done about 15 forward bends and completely flexed it the other way but it’s still a little tight. It makes a lot of sense why it is common to not start the second series before you can stand up from Urdhva Dhanurasana because the amount you need to engage the legs to come up is paramount in doing the backbends when you are on your knees… There really is logic to this!

The primary class went well, only five people and not a ton of energy but they used and shared what they had. I think everyone did well, and we need the less than perfect classes to really appreciate the great ones. I always wonder if there is something I could do to boost the energy but I have yet to come up with a good answer. It seems to be an every other week cycle. And it’s not like their practices were weak, on the contrary, they were quite strong, it was just the energy in the room was…slower.

And on another note: the Jehovah’s Witness came by the house this morning. We had a lovely conversation but they’re a little more convinced the end of the world is coming than I am. They also seem to think we need to sweet talk God to come down and save us but I think it’s a little more up to us as our own pieces of God to make it right. I didn’t get into the idea that it’s really all just an illusion and all life is eternal and God doesn’t care if we destroy the world or not. I wanted a nice conversation with them, not a long one. And I don’t think I’ll go any further as this isn’t my blog about my religious beliefs.

(At least not today)

To live a dream. To exist in the imagination. To be your own fantasy. Are illusions different from reality? Is it simply a shift in perception? Is pain real? Is happiness a fantasy? Why do we see the mundane, the painful, the suffering as real yet love, passion, and happily ever after is just a dream. Why can’t we fly? Because you don’t believe or because I don’t believe or maybe we just don’t recognize that we already are. And when people do, we often call them ridiculous, foolish, or lost. Fantastic can mean extraordinary, wonderful or absurd, preposterous. Is it not, then, just a shift in our perceptions as to what is fantastic. And if you believe you can fly a millimeter off the ground or for half a second why can’t you take it higher, take it longer? Because who said so? Someone shaped their world to their beliefs as you are allowed to shape your world to your own. If you choose to exclusively follow someone else you limit yourself to their beliefs. How is your fantasy less true than anyone else’s reality? It is often said we are fooling ourselves to believe in happy endings, to see the good in people... So is it better to look for the worst, live in fear?

We are limited not only by what we can conceive but also what we believe.

And then there are the days when your yoga practice just sucks ass. First let me apologize to anyone in the class for having to deal with my asshole vibes. I just could not get into class tonight. The class itself was fine, the teaching was fine but not where I wanted to be. If I could have gotten myself mentally into the class I have no doubt that it would have been very beneficial but I had all this energy and I wanted to move and sweat and we…just…held…all…the…pos…es… My class was my problem and if I had been in the right mind set it would have been good for me to focus on detail and fine tune alignment. Instead I was ready to beat my head through the floor…not very yogic of me. I actually like classes like those if I know I’m walking into them but I … oh, never mind, I’m boring myself. Fuckit.

I’m starting to see the perks of this unemployed thing. It’s not too bad on beautiful days. I can go for a walk, play in the garden, go to the park, work on the house… If I could just come up with a way to be independently wealthy I would be all set!

Went to NP yesterday to apartment hunt. I really only had one place to see that was too expensive but they took pets. It was about 20 minutes from NP and It was a nice house, worth what she was asking but more than I wanted to pay… the yard was ok but not great. I guess I figured I would have to take it because it was the only think I could find. But after I looked at it I decided to drive into NP (I went straight to the house, not through NP) to see how long the drive really was and I wanted to get some lunch. The drive was pretty, crossed a lot of rivers and creeks. In NP I found this great little “market” area (basically just a group of little shops) that had a really cool Tibetan store and I really wanted to spend a lot of money but I managed to just spend $6 on a bracelet of mala beads with an OM symbol carved out of the sumeru (“summit bead”). I then wandered across the way to a little coffee/sandwich shop and had the grilled panini with roasted red peppers and feta cheese and tried to figure out what I was going to do. After lunch I wandered around a bit and realized I needed to make a decision. So, when faced with life affecting decisions, I did what anyone would do. I called my mom. As we were talking I started drifting down the rail trail, as it’s called (old railroad tracks converted to walking path) and I stumbled on this house that I had tried to rent through my realtor but was rejected due to excessive number of furries. As I whined to my mother about how bad it sucked that I didn’t get this house, she suggested I try to contact the landlord directly and try to change their mind with my sparkling charm and personality. So I went back to my truck, put on a shirt with sleeves and called my real estate agent to get the landlords info. Unfortunately she was unavailable. To kill time I thought I would try to call a couple of places that I didn’t think would actually work.

The first one I called was advertising something like “Refined Country Living”…Like they would take a dog. 1 bedroom, utilities included, $1000/month. I called and Adam answered. Adam is a retired English/literature professor with a very strong accent (Ukrainian?, Greek? I don’t know (revised - Polish, I think)), two artificial knees and a new ford Taurus that he doesn’t drive very well. I didn’t mention the pets yet. I figured I would wait to use my charm and personality when I saw him… His directions “go out main st. and cross bridge. You know bridge? Yes? Good. Cross bridge. Then you come up to turn toward Mohonk House (this is a really huge, expensive hotel/spa). You know how to get to Mohonk House?” “yes” I reply. “Don’t go that way, go other way. Stay on 299 for 4 point one miles. My address is 490 and is on right. Go up long driveway and park next to blue ford.”

I went and Adam and his wife own 33ish acres that back up to the Shawagunks Preserve. On those 33 acres they have three buildings designed by his wife. She seems to be an excellent architect, definitely designed the houses for the views of the surrounding area. So, needless to say I’m very excited about living on 33 wooded acres that back up to 10,000 acres of the Shawagunks. Side Note: There is also a swimable pond stocked with largemouth bass. After meeting the both of them, Adam and I get into his blue ford and drive off to one of the other buildings. It has three living units, the one bedroom is sort of a basement apartment with views of the pond and Mohonk Mountain. But… it’s really small and the kitchen consists of a half fridge with two electric burners on top… In a closet... It does have a fireplace in the bedroom and the main (and only other) room. Not really sure what to do, I ask if he takes pets. Ozzy would love this place. He asks what I have and I say a dog and two cats. “Cats are no problem, tell me about dog.” I mention she’s 13 and lies around a lot. “She’ll be fine” he says. Now I’m sort of hedging around what to do and he mentions he has a 2 bedroom available near the end of June for $1250 and it has a full kitchen but “no view of the pond” I said that sounded great and we hopped back into his ford and bounced (a little to quickly) down the dirt driveway toward another house. Oh, I forgot to mention, as we were going into the first apartment, he handed me a book of Haiku that he wrote and said, “you can have this”…
The two bedroom is also a pseudo-basement apartment with 1 big room, which includes a real kitchen and a fireplace (wood burning), and two bedrooms (both maybe 12x12?) you have to cut through the utility room (with washer and dryer) to get to the not so great bathroom. I said I would really love to rent it and he says “it’s yours”. I have an apartment in New Paltz… “Geographically it’s in Gardner but the postal address is New Paltz”