Wandering Mind

I’m ready for the moon day.  Practicing with Pattabhi and family has been… enlightening if nothing else.  I’m actually having a great time, but I need to heal a little.  My practice has been heavy all week and between the shoulder and the knee bugging me (to phrase it mildly) the physical aspect of my practice has been not what I would hope.  But it does force me to question myself and my desire to try to impress people that, in all honesty, don’t care if I impress them or not.  So I’ve given up the idea of having a good looking practice and just allow myself to float in the energy of this room of wonderful people and try to give out as much good energy as I’m getting.  And really, the people here are the best part, as REW said, the yoga is just a perk.  I’m not the most socially adept person so I haven’t spoken with a lot of people but it’s fun to just share the energy in the room and practicing next to new people (trying not to get my nose broken when the feet of the person in front jumps back.)  I’ve newly met a couple of bloggers, seen a few more and one used to be blogger.  It’s funny to recognize and know things about people on a personal level without ever having met them.  I’m also surprised by the number of people that I recognize from last year.

On Sunday I met one of my students there and she had a ball.  She’s been doing Ashtanga with me for something like 6 months but already has a beautiful, strong practice and now has an itch for India… She also managed a hug and a kiss from Guruji and a hug from Sharath.  

I was in row 4 on Sunday and row 3 the last two days.  I think I may try moving up a row (or 2?) for the next couple of days.  I really like the energy of practicing that close to Pattabhi and who knows when I’ll actually make it over to Mysore, guess I should take advantage of it while I can.  So far it’s been a good week, I’m looking forward to sleeping in past 3:30 tomorrow but unfortunately I have to go back to work and will be commuting back and forth between New Paltz and New York for the remainder of the week.

And another perk of this week is getting to spend more time with the Blonde Lady as we usually only get to see each other on weekends (that changes in May!!!) but she lives out in Queens so I’ve been spending all my free time with her.  

Yeah, not so bad…

Savitarka Samadhi, the practice of samadhi through the study of concrete objects. Creating a one mindedness through the focus of an object, be it a book, a sound, a person (including our own physical selves), an atom, or anything else that we can contemplate with minimal subjectivity. (When subjectivity can come into play it is called savichara samadhi, but that is another day). Today I focused on my body.

I didn’t want to practice again today. The idea just depressed me. I didn’t want to be reminded again of what my body was too feeble to do. (Now, to know me on would not usually assume feeble, but in regards to my own opinion of what my body should be able to do, that is how I saw it). Yes, this is entirely ego based, I know, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts don’t exist in my head. I knew that I needed to practice, so I drug my feet as long as I could, picked up my mat and headed to the studio. On a whim I grabbed my copy of the Yoga Sutras on the way out the door. Once in the room I continued to procrastinate and I took my time setting up and I laid the book down next to my mat, figuring I could at least sit and read the Sutras a little bit if I don’t convince myself to practice. Finally I got myself seated and opened the book to my current place.

17) Vitarka Vicaranandasmitanugamat Samprajnatah


Samprajnata samadhi (distinguished contemplation) is
accompanied by reasoning, reflecting, rejoicing, and pure I-am-ness.

I continued to read about the first samadhi, Reasoning (Savitarka Samadhi). I chose to make my practice the observation of the body, with all it’s aches and pains (and occasional strengths). Now granted, to say I achieved Samadhi through this focus would be an exaggeration, but I was able to block out many aspects of citta vrtti including my ego for much of my practice. I determined, as I moved through the salutations, that I was trying to do things my body is not in a place right now to do. I once had a conversation with a friend that one reason I’m glad I don’t go to a mysore class with a real teacher is they would probably cut me off at Kurmasana. She kindly pointed out that they would actually probably cut me off after Marichyasana D, as I can’t bind. I didn’t like that idea at all, (and that, my friends, is purely ego driven). However, I realized today that Marichyasana D is precisely where I should stop before I move onto finishing. My practice consists of me rushing through all the poses, knowing when I start, it’s going to take a long time and just scooting through the poses that I can’t do well. So what my body needs is to slow down, and work through with focus where I am. I know how to do the poses (Meaning: I know where my body is supposed to go, not that I can physically or mentally do all the poses), so I do have a teacher, I just need to make sure I have a kind teacher, an intelligent teacher, and one that understands that there is more to this practice that checking as many poses off a list as possible.

So that was the course of thought for about two of the Surya A’s. The rest of my practice was good, knowing I wouldn’t take my knees to a place they couldn’t go and my mind to a place it couldn’t go. My vinyasas were stronger and all of my poses seemed to have more of a purpose and less of need to move on to the next pose. I know that my mind went on a tangent from its original focus, but it’s that original focus that got it where it needed to go, and then I was able to go back to focusing on the sensations of my body as I practiced.

This is my truth for today, which is not my truth for yesterday or tomorrow, for those are only true as they exist in the moment.

Ego, Attachment, Anger, Frustration.  This was my practice this morning.  I have a goal for my practice and it’s fucking me up.  I’m trying to be somewhere I’m physically not so that I don’t feel like an ass next week when I go to NYC to practice with Guruji.  My left knee and shoulder are both tweaked right now and I can’t do half the poses “correctly” because of that.  I’m 10 lbs. heavier than I should be so that gets in the way of a few more poses and the breath and bandhas.  Last year I was new to the primary as a regular practice so I had fewer expectations but I feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere this year but I don’t know if anything has changed.  Some days I can feel it, see it, but on days like today… I feel like I’ve regressed.  I have reduced my practice to a list of physical positions that I try to get my body in to and I am ignoring the other 99% of what my practice should be.  If I could just let go of the ego…

I actually went to a yoga class on Sunday at the studio that I was going to last fall.  It was nice to get some adjustments but I didn’t really care for the class.  I realized that the only reason I went to this particular studio is that it was Ashtanga based and the teacher gave good physical adjustments.  But it never felt like somewhere I belonged, like it was my studio.  I have felt more at home in nearly every other studio I’ve ever practiced in.  I desperately need a teacher, so I guess I’ll find a new studio where I can practice a few days a week and do my Ashtanga practice the other few days.  Crap.

Not all is crap in my world however.  (Nevermind it’s spring break and I’m at work) but the wedding plans seem to be going very well.  It looks like we’ve found the location for the Ceremony and the reception, the caterer, and the florist, still waiting to audition the musician.  The Blonde Lady has found her dress but I have no clue what I’m wearing yet.  The officiator seems to be the biggest sticking point.  She’s talking to a friend from her home town who is a Methodist minister but we don’t want a “religious” wedding so we’re not sure if he’ll do it.  If that doesn’t work out we’re at a bit of a quandary as to who will perform the ceremony.  Everything else seems to be falling into place so I’m sure that will, too.

Oh, it’s a moon day alright.  I was going to practice in spite of that fact because I just haven’t gotten too many practices in as of late.  I was going to keep it reserved, I know how the full moon can make us over-zealous, but I still wanted to practice.  So I leave the house at 6:20 with the dog (she occasionally comes to work with me), by the time I make it in to the studio it’s 6:40 and low and behold the custodian is mopping the floor and she’s less than halfway through.  Ok, I’ll just set my stuff down and… Shit!  I then realize I forgot my pants… Practicing without pants would be bad, plus I’m supposed to teach my intro yoga class at 8, which would be worse without pants (I did have on pants, but they were blue jeans, not exactly conducive to a good practice.)  So I go home and get my britches and get back a little after 7.  By the time I get changed it’s 7:15 so I just go through the Sun Salutations and a few stretches before the first student showed up at quarter of.  At 5 to 8 a maintenance guy comes in to fix a broken mirror in the dance studio so we didn’t actually get the class started until 8:10.  At 9:00 as we were nearing the finishing postures a group of 20 8th graders come in to the building (but not the studio) to rehearse their production of As You Like It.  First, I was told they wouldn’t be in until 10 and second, I was told it would be 10 Tomorrow.   So I rush them through a few finishing postures and get them into savasana so I can go deal with the incoming group; which turned out fine but was pretty much a cluster fuck due to ball dropping and miscommunication.  So, yeah, today’s a moon day.

Hmmm… No label for my practice this morning. I guess the fact that I did practice and made it through all the poses was good. But my left knee and my left shoulder hurt like an SOB and my energy was low but for some reason I really enjoyed being in my practice today. I think a little of it has to do with the fact that I’m drawn to the sutras right now. As I read through them and try to make my own understanding of them I find myself… feeling better. I don’t really know any other way to put it. An example: I was driving in to work today and someone pulled out in front of me (going the same direction I was going). My usual response is to slow down a little slower than I should and I end up right on the persons ass just to make sure they know I’m there, maybe give them a little scare... But today I slowed down faster to keep a safer distance between us. But the reason for doing that was not to not irritate/scare/whatever the other driver, it was simply because I didn’t want to feel the anger or irritation that I would normally feel. It was kinda nice.

I found a translation/explanation of the Yamas and Niyamas that I like. I’m copying it here just so I have it on record.

Yamas - Guidelines for how we interact with the outer world. Social disciplines to guide us in our relationships with others. The five yamas are: Ahimsa. Satya, Asteya, Brahmacharya, Aparigraha.

"Yamas and niyamas all have their root in ahimsa (not harming living beings); their aim is to perfect this love that we ought to have for all creatures...." From the "Yogasutra-bhashya" 2.30, by Vyasa, the oldest commentary on Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, translated. by J. Varenne, "Yoga in the Hindu Tradition", Univ. of Chicago Press, 1976

Ahimsa: non-violence, kindness, no harm in your actions.

Awareness and gentleness in action, thought and speech. Violence arises out of fear, anger, restlessness and selfishness.

Practice: compassion, love, understanding, patience, self-love, and worthiness.

Non-violence in action, thought, or words to other living beings, or toward ourselves. Think of violence within the body. If a friend acted towards you the way your own mind does, he probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So, view yourself with tenderness and compassion. Build bridges with people. This is NOT "how to be a doormat." One side of non-violence is creating boundaries for peace if someone is acting violently towards you. "NO" needs to be in your vocabulary to practice Ahimsa. Ahimsa can be powerful. Gandhi's whole life was based on the principle of Ahimsa, but he used that as a potent tool.

Satya: Truthfulness

Truthfulness of speech, thoughts and deeds.

Practice: Honesty, owning feelings, loving communication, assertiveness, giving constructive feedback, forgiveness, non-judging, letting go of masks. "The elf of the tongue needs the giant to control it." _Bapuji

Honesty can be used as a weapon, so be careful to be COMPASSIONATE. It is not about being "right." Love is higher than truth. "Brutal Honesty" is not truth. If LOVE directs how you use truth then you are practicing Satya. Ahimsa (non-violence) must be practiced with Satya.

Concepts and Notions keep us from the truth, keep it murky. Learn to be accepting like a newborn baby. Don’t let Ego get in the way of Heart.

Asteya: Non-Stealing

Not coveting, not being jealous.

Practice: use objects the right way, proper time management. Cultivate sense of completeness, self-sufficiency, let go of cravings. If you value material goods too much, this temptation will come upon you at times. Let go of that false value.

If you attain what you want through honest means, you have no fear. If you attain what you want through dishonest means, you live with fear.

Brahmacharya: Moderation, Channeling Emotions, Moderation in all things, self-containment.

No overindulgence of mind, intellect, speech or body; moderation on all levels concerning sex, food, and all aspects of daily life including the environment. [This is the most misunderstood Yama, so I will spend more space defining the meaning of this]

Practice: not repression, but control of sensual cravings

Principle: Satisfying our desires for pleasure through food, sex, television and other pastimes hides the emptiness inside. That emptiness is spiritual starvation. Our soul needs fulfillment. There are many levels of our being, and we often do not take a holistic approach to fulfillment on all these levels. We often only see the easiest, surface level needs -and try to fulfill ourselves on a physical level.

"Brahma" = the Creator "Charya" = teacher or guide. The word Brahmacharya is derived from the two words Brahma and acharya or charya (take your pick). Brahma is God as the creator or progenitor, acharya is teacher and charya means wedded to. Thus one could say brahmacharya means being wedded to Brahma or "to remain connected to Source" or to remain continuous with it

"This day, I am moderate, centered, and complete. I use my energy in ways that lead me closer to my Source. I treat myself and others with respect, recognizing the inherent Divinity of all people."

Neither obsessing nor repressing, make peace with your sensual cravings or any interests that pull you off-center from your Source. Avoid overindulgence of mind, intellect, speech, and body.

Developmental Stages:

1. Self-containment through moderate sexuality and diet.
2. No thoughts of past or future sense pleasures.
3. Freedom from attachment to pleasure.
4. Free from duality and the illusion that you are incomplete.
5. Inner peace.
6. Perpetual inner Ecstasy, replacing outward focus of sensual/sexual energies.

Be moderate in moderation also, so it is not a burden. It is a beautiful practice. It is about moderating the extremes and not wanting too much (consumerism). Brahmacharya brings out the FIRE in your spirit. Many energies come up. If it comes up, let it burn – smothering issues just makes them smolder. When they re-emerge they’ll be hotter. When they arise, notice what the issues are, and go deeper into your true motivations.

Aparigraha: Non-Possessiveness, Greedlessness, Simplicity

Fulfilling needs rather than wants.

Practice: Non-attachment to possessions, relationships.

When you take away "stuff," you face yourself. It is not always comfortable, but it is always invigorating. Make room for new growth to come.

Abstain from accumulating more than you need – “stuff” only serves to distract you from your source, your true self. Often, one tries to satisfy spiritual starvation with relationships, sex, food, and material goods. Remove the distraction, and you can connect more deeply with what is truly happening inside. It is okay to have “stuff” in your life – just don’t be attached to it. Remain connected to your source, and let other aspects of your life go the way the universe directs them.

NIYAMAS – How we interact with ourselves, our internal world. The practice of Niyama harnesses the energy generated from our practice and cultivation of the yamas. Niyama is about self-regulation – helping us maintain a positive environment in which to grow. The five niyamas are: Shaucha, Santosha, Tapas, Swadhyaya, and Ishwara-Pranidhana.

Shaucha: Purity/Clarity

Purity of body, cleanliness, good health habits, a clear and orderly environment

Practice: evenness of mind, thoughts, speech and discrimination. Keep the environment clean and clear.

Orderliness surrounding the self and our thoughts. Orderliness of environment. Clearing of energy.

Santosha: Contentment

Accept what is, make the best out of everything.

Practice: gratitude and joyfulness; remain calm with success or failure. This state of mind does not depend on any external status.

Contentment, acceptance, and an attitude of gratitude. Remaining focused in the face of adversity. It is a practice of choosing love over fear. Following the adage "Accept that which we cannot change, Change what we can, and have the wisdom to know the difference."

Tapas: Austerity

The willingness to do what is necessary to reach a goal with discipline.

Practice: determination to pursue daily practices, making sacrifices as necessary, enthusiasm for the spiritual path. Joyfulness with outer discipline will lead to inner discipline.

Tapas is about austerity, sacrifice, discipline. Tapas means "heat" or "fire." Go through the heat and accept it – invite it in. The fire brings transformation. If you are not in stillness, you are craving or having aversion. Transformation happens through the fire – burn off some layers and emerge as something new – a Phoenix. Give yourself fully to your dharma (your life’s mission). Develop courage, strength and simplicity. Long sitting meditation is a disciplined practice – physical heat is generated, which "burns" the ego away to reveal the true inner spirit.

Swadhyaya: Self-Education, Study

Consider the meaning of spiritual concepts – understanding the underlying wisdom, NOT accepting without question. Expanding knowledge through reading, pondering to understand the scriptures for observation of the self in relation to all life.

Practice: reflection, meditation, wanting to know the Truth.

Swadhyaya is the practice of self-observation. It gives you a pause between stimulus and response, letting you have room to breathe, relax, feel, watch, and allow. Items you are pondering may come clear to you in an almost organic manner – or it may take time for truth to emerge. Be open and have the spirit of exploration within you.

Ishwara-Pranidhana: Surrender to God/Light/Energy of the Universe

Practice: faith, dedication, sincerity, and patience to transcend the ego, which is so resistant to surrender.

Ishwara-Pranidhana is about your relationship to the divine energy of the universe. Offer the fruit of yourself, your work, and your devotion to Divinity. Keep self-actualization as your goal in your life, adjusting all your actions to serve this goal in some way. Spirituality embraces the light and the dark, so don’t judge the elements of your spirit. Spirituality is in many things – it is in our hearts. Your expression may be to read poetry, listen to music, to dance, to walk your dog. Find your expression of your surrender to Spirit and celebration of this energy.

From: http://www.focalpointyoga.com/yamas&niyamas.htm

I really hate my practice right now.  I just don’t want to do it.  I think I’m tired of being in an ugly, cold, industrial room by myself and trying to do asanas.  I haven’t practiced since Friday and I’ve come in early enough the last three days but I don’t do anything, I just go to work instead.  Today I got through two Surya A’s and I just didn’t want to do it anymore.   I think I’m going to need to start going back to the yoga studio… the classes aren’t quite what I’m looking for and the times are less than convenient, but I need some help.  Hi, My name is Chris, and I’ve flushed my yoga practice down the toilet.

Work is actually good right now.  Moving upward hopefully with a little extra funding.  The builds are going well but my class, however, is not doing so well.  They had their first test on Monday.  I normally really get a kick out of sitting in a room when everyone else is taking a test because the focus and energy is so high.  Well, on Monday I didn’t feel that and I sort of blamed it on just getting used to it.  I also watched as two people sweated their way through the test, obviously horribly prepared.  I think people may have been expecting something a little less thought involved.  After grading… over half the class had a D or an F.  Now, my class isn’t hard in the first place, but I also give a study guide that has ALL the questions on it so if you just take a couple of hours to look up the answers you’ll do fine.  Obviously they didn’t feel the need.  I have a hunch they may study for the next one.

Back to the yoga gripe.  I would think with Pattabhi coming I would really be trying to get myself to the best possible place so I can really gain as much as possible during that time.  I just can’t seem to pull myself together.  I haven’t even registered yet…

Blah…………………..

Ok, Seriously, come on… It’s March! Could we please drop the winter wonderland theme. I’m ready for some heat! Work is nuts but good. The one benefit of the snow was the canceling of some pain in the ass event that was coming in… The Illusion still opens tonight. I think it’s a pretty good production. It all came together really well last night for the final-invited-dress-Gala-thing. (however, if you check that link… oh, man, those are some super-cheese photos… Our publicity could use a boost…)

No rest though, we go right into the next one. I have a list of frustrations that I could easily let loose about this next one but it’s really only going to make it worse so I’m trying to disassociate my negative feelings from the whole process and enjoy what good parts there are to enjoy (and there are quite a few).

The Blonde Lady and I are still engaged. I haven’t said or done anything too stupid so as to make her change her mind. It’s actually coming together pretty well. We’re using The Knot (which, believe it or not, is really quite helpful), we think we found our location for the ceremony. The invite list is way to long so we’re looking at trimming that back… Of course we started registering for gifts, lots of plates and bowls, towels, etc. Thankfully REI has a gift registry, too. :-) We may have found someone to make the cake, and possibly our Musician (once we audition her…). So… So far, so good. Honestly, though, the best part of this is as we talk more and plan more I’m getting more excited and any fears are going away. Oh, and some of my students got a congratulatory cake for us. I really do have great students.

The yoga is, well, not the strongest part of my life right now. I’ve been so busy at work I’ve been too tired to practice much this week and over the weekend. I’m glad Monday was a moon day. Saved a little self abuse. Last year at this time as I was getting prepared for Pattabhi’s visit to NYC I was practicing my ass off. Now I’m just trying not to get too fat or too stiff so as not to embarrass myself for the upcoming tour visit. The yoga teaching is actually going really well. I’m getting lots of students returning and a couple of new ones each week. If I ever get them all to come to the same class there will be around 25 people… I think that massage I got over the engagement weekend really opened my lower back. I’m still seeing benefits although I have tightened back up a little. It really makes me want to get a massage once a month.

Helen the Cat is happy I’m finally home from work for an evening so I think she would prefer I get off the computer and spend a little couch time with her and the boy cat. Can’t argue with a face like that.